Goodbye Eating Disorder, Hello Rachel!

Dear Blog:
This will be the last entry I ever make.
On my journey for sobriety: trying to get clean from drugs... I found myself on the road to recovery from an eating disorder. For so long, I had been ignoring the eating disorder... covering it up trying to forget about it using drugs. I used drugs to help me with the eating disorder and I used them to escape the shame, and i used them to blame my problems on. I went to rehab honestly thinking that it was the answer. It didnt take long for me to realize that rehab is not where i needed to be.
One thing lead to another, and before I knew it, I was accepted to a residential treatment home for girls with eating disorders. I had 2 weeks to think about what I was doing before I left...I almost didnt make it.
I have tried many other ways to live without ED but every time failed. I think I have gone though seasons... times where I have accepted an eating disorder as part of who i am, and i even wanted to live with it for the rest of me life. The other times i wanted to die. I hated myself for how disgusting i felt i was, how i looked and how i had turned into someone i did not know. Right before I left i remember laying in bed, wishing my heart would just stop to end this hell... if this was life i didnt want anything to do with it.
When I arrived at the doors of my treatment home: something happened. For the first time in my life, I became not just ready to change but willing to do whatever it took to recover. With the help of a nutritionist, and a handful of counsellors, I started making steps towards healthy eating, (whatever that was supposed to look like), and a positive body image (which was even more difficult to understand). Not going to lie, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. When it comes down to it: you can get all the counselling and therapy you want, but i realized i eventually had to eat the food, and keep it down.
As i started, and give my body what it needed i started noticing changes. I had better concentration and focus, which meant i could finally read again. I didnt have crazy racing thoughts anymore: i could sit by myself and have peace of mind. My moods started to stabilize very quickly. I realized i wasnt feeling depressed anymore. I felt ALIVE, and had so much energy to do things. I started to sleep on my own and through the night. The coolest things are, I noticed I didnt have the urge to binge anymore.. at all. I didn't crave sugar anymore which has been a huge one my whole life i have always had a bag of candy with me at all times. I realized I wasnt thinking about my weight constantly, or how i looked. I started breaking my food rules, and eating the things the eating disorder forbid. As i conquered each one, food started to lose its power over me...
Now, I can say that I do not have any fear foods anymore. I am not afraid of gaining weight anymore... In fact i did gain weight in the process of recovery. But to me, the weight is a proud mark of recovery. I now look like a healthy person who eats, and its not a bad thing anymore. I honestly never thought, that I could eat whatever I wanted, AND liked the way that I looked. I thought that if i ate, it meant i was fat. period. Turns out thats a lie. Because I am not fat, I love the way I look and Im eating what I want. I dont have any anxiety about food anymore. I have learned how to listen to my body and follow my hunger and fullness cues. I eat when I am hungry and I stop when i am full. My body tells me what it needs, whether it be veggies, a steak or maybe pizza. I dont feel the need to purge my meal, or restrict during it. I dont have to compensate by exercise anymore: in fact the 9 weeks i was at the home i didnt exercise at all. The light and life has come back into my eyes. I have found my own voice again, and I know now that the eating disorder is not who i am. I can separate myself from ED and do the opposite of what it says to do. Ed says dont eat the bun, so i eat the bun and have butter on it too! I am able to really connect with people in a way that I havent done in years! I can be there for my friends, to be a support when THEY need me.
I can genuinely laugh, cry, smile and I enjoy things in life big or small. I don't wake up dreading the day wishing i could die. I wake up feeling excited, and hopeful about the future. Even when things get hard,(which there have been very difficult days/weeks) I can separate the emotions from food. I am learning how to be honest and open about what is going on inside of me, and how to reach out and get support when I need it.
If you would have asked me even a year ago (read my previous blogs and you can see) that I actually didnt want to recover. I was fine (so not) with where I was at.
Now, I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world. I can be REAL for once in my life. I have no idea who i am really yet, or even what I like... but its a journey that I am looking forward to, because now when i see my future, I can see that it will be good. I am no longer defined by a number: I can say and truly believe that my value is in WHO i am and NOT what i weigh.
I am 120 days clean
3 months without an eating disorder.
If anyone reads this, I hope you feel encouraged. If I can do it, SO CAN YOU!
Love you ladies.

xxo.
Rach

finding nothing finding no one

Dear Blog.

For a moment there I thought a may have lost weight.
As soon as I do good... I fucking binge my face off...bah!
Mia I hate you. I cannot find Ana no matter what i do!

5 days till rehab: Im scared shitless.

xxo.
Rach

Still the same old, same old...

There not a whole lot of updating to be going on here.
Im still at 125 lbs.
Im still eating my face off... most of the time. this weekend wasnt AS BAD.
One week and one day until my program.
I dont think the girls at work like the fact that im going for 3 months.
Ahh i feel so bad about having to take time off work, but i HAVE to.
I have no other choice. My well being is important!!

I think this week is going to go by fast...!!
Thats about it.

xxo.
Rach

cant control all these feelings

Dear Blog

Today again.. was an epic failure.
Cereal, bread, peanut butter, pizza, and everything in between.

out. of. control.

Tomorrow... again. I am going to try and fast. FML.

I said, no, no, no!

SO i cant stop eating. Everything and anything I can get my hands on.
It doesnt even matter what it is, when it comes to binging, i have no fear.
until i see my stomach sticking out, feel my insides turn upside down and feel
dizzy with guilt and shame... and nausea... then i have no choice but to purge,
and feel empty, pure. I dont know why I cant just embrace the empty before the binge, before i cave in and eat.
my goal this week. Fast breakfast and lunch at lesat one day. I cant get away with fasting dinner obviously because i have to eat at the hospital. I need to feel in control again.
Sometimes, if not most times, its as if I am watching someone else make my decisions for me. Its like another beast is driving while i watch from the back seat helplessly gagged, tied up and barely breathing.
Tonight I have to go out for dinner. At least I know the nutritional information on everything. I'll just do some sort of garden salad no dressing of course...
I have eaten so much today, i dont deserve to eat more...
I am suddenly so scared to go to rehab.. like terrified. I have been before, i have been to so many institutions: why should this one scare me? I guess its the whole idea of change. They know about my eating disorder so i will be forced to gain weighht... but this is what i want isnt it? my life back? well this one thing is for sure, i think im most scared of going to rehab thin and coming back fat:S Ah!
Tomorrow, I fast. No drugs to help either.
Wish me luck!
xxo.
Rach

My V-neck Shirt

Today I wore a V-neck shirt.
Today I saw my collar bone, pure, protruding, bones.
I hate not knowing what I weigh... but my mirror..
I saw bones... eligant, beautiful bones. My V-neck
shirt doesn't fit me anymore...
The feeling... the rush... it only lasts a moment.
Now, I must be thinner, better... I have been there
before. 118 lbs is not that far away...
only 7.more.lbs...maybe less. I want out
of the 120's.

Where in this mess am i??

Just another one of those moments.. laugh..sigh

To:
Perfecting my emptiness: you a jewel. Thank you so much for your comment, you have no idea how much that meant to me! Its amazing to come online here and find support from people I have never met, yet feel so close to. You are amazing! Thank yoU!

Rachel: I MISSED YOU TOO! I wish i could comment but my blog is being stupid. I have thought of you often, wondering how you are doing. I am up to date with your blog now. Hang in there! You are stronger than you think! Don't ever give up on the things that are important to you! Im here always! I love you so much my beautiful twin!!xoxo

Hello Blog:

Its safe to say foodwise was another day of disaster. I need to only bring the food I am allowing myself to eat, and nothing more. Leave my bank card at home... eat ONLY what i bring to eat.
Breatfast was an epic binge and purge YET again. Lunch was the same... i even walked to Tim Horton's and Dairy Queen to top it off. Purged it all out. Felt good to feel empty. I need to learn how to embrace the emptiness... I always feel the need to fill the empty then purge it out to feel empty. what a vicious cycle:S what i did eat and kept down was a bunch of fresh veggies and heaps of water. YES! I have been drinking water today. I dont honestly know how much ive kept down but im trying.

Dinner tonight at the hospital I am dreading... not so much the eating part(although thats a big part) Its the meeting with my dietican... As i mentioned before... her wanting me to do snacks at the hospital. The funny thing is, snack is usually the only food i keep down during the day... which is why ive probably been maintaing at 125 lbs and not losing. I would so much rather be in control of eating my snack than drinking 400 calories of ensure at 8 pm. No thanks!

So I was supposed to go to Finland at the end of July, but since I am now going to rehab... obviously plans have changed. M isnt a big fan of this new change in plans. He really wants to see me, so He said hes going to try come to Canada to visit me before i leave. That would be really good if he came. I really need to get some closure on the whole relationship thing. We have been skype chatting for almost 2 years and its to the point where we are going to start dating or step back and be friends only forever. But i feel like i need to see him first, and not just base my decsion off of our skype chats. Seriously its been a LONG 2 years. I hope he comes. Im seriously okay with either right now.. dating or friends... i just dont know how i feel yet.

Man, I cant wait to get out of this city... I need to get out so bad!
Sigh, today feels like its supposed to be Friday... its only Thursday.
I should get back to work!
Stay Strong ladies
xxo
Rach