R.i.p. Michelle

Dear Blog,

Michelle hung herself....

I dont know what to say... or do. Im going to miss you with all my heart. I love you.



Rest. In. Peace.

we dont sleep when the sun goes down...

dear blog

i really need to use this time to vent some built up crap thats going on inside of me. I have had this effing eating disorder for over 5 years... at least if not more. I am so sick of going through the motions... binging and purging, restricting, exercising, losing weight, doing drugs, loving it, getting sick, going to the hospital, restoring weight, eating healhier, feeling normal, loving life, relapse.
Ok now lets do that again... of course thats just a very vague discription of this unending vicious cycle of nothinginess. The sick twisted voice inside of me is telling me i want to be sick again: that i want to be like those girls bone thin in the clinic...i hate being torn. A battle between two pretty obvious choices, but still being pulled in the opposite direction.
It isnt working anymore!! Its so much harder to lose weight than it was a year ago and i dont know why! I feel even more out of control than ever. All i want is to feel my clothes hang off of me again. Im amazed of how much my confidence and self worth is directly linked to the space between my thighs and the flatness of my tummy.
I know i sound like such a hypocrite.
But to my blog, i will be honest.
I will be 118 again.

Sincerely,
Rach