Sunday, August 22, 2010

but here in your arms

whats been on mind lately? chaos. complete and utter chaos. i havent been able to sleep the past few nights, my mind wont shut up!! Everything in me is screaming to be my old self... back into all my old habbits. embrace it and live with it. i have this like intense self-hatred looming in the back of my head the past few days. its like in my mind, i have been searching for a place where i am happy... and i cannot find out. you know it doesnt matter where on earthyou are: as long as im there in my thinking, it can still be hell.
I dont have a scale... im really curious how much i weigh. none of my clothes fit me so that must mean im doing ok? its funny, when i try to lose weight i never do, but when i dont think about it and just live my life, thats when i end up dropping the pounds then suddenly im like "oh, im freezing cold all the time, none of my clothes fit me and i have no energy..." how did it even happen? again?
sorry this is kinda depressing but its a rainy day. so. whatever. haha i ate a chicken, cheese and gaucamolie toastie and a regular coffee today. i dont even really care how many calories or fat are in it. i havent eaten real food really in like a week. So my body needs some energy. I am going to the fruit barn today which is a place to buy super cheap fruits and veggies:) im really excited!!
ANYWAYS i best be off, ill update maybe when im feeling better. oh blog how it sucks to see sad thoughts once again. one day at a time!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

destination paradise

i finally made it to pardadise! Its winter right now, so its not exactly paradise at the moment. but no worries, spring is just around the corner. my internet hasnt been working the past couple weeks annoyingly enough. i come on the blog and i have so much to catch up on its rediculious! i dont imagine i will be able to read all of the ones ive missed. i am incredibly busy here, everything is in full swing getting ready for the september school to start.
foodwise, def. not perefect. airport days are the worst i get so anxious and ended up binge/puring heaps. Being here though i have been good with buying my own food and eating healthy, small portions when i want to. i havent excerised once since i been here yet... im too busy. but i need to make time!
i hope you ladies are doing amazing and reaching your goals and staying beautiful! all my love is with you! ill update more later, im off to play with 70 screaming children! good times
peace and love

Friday, August 6, 2010

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I have to make this quick but FIRST OF ALL: Thank you SO MUCH girls for your comments about my photos! you have absolutely NO IDEA how much those mean to me! like you all made my WEEK! your amazing and i love you all so much!

This is my last post before i leave for Australia! So stay strong and beautiful and i will be back when im in paradise <3


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Everlasting Pictures Right Through Infinity

I thought it would be fun to actually post a couple pictures of myself up on this thing so you can know my face, when you get a comment from me, or read my blog:) So i decided what better way to do it then to do a "Before and After" with my hair. So lovelies. Here I am:)

My Hair BEFORE: (im the one in the pic with the "long hair" haha)

This one is from a month ago or so and is a bit blurry but you get the picture!

haah this is such an awful picture of ALL of us. (UG from Friday night). Just a pic to show you my long hair:)

(please excuse my faces and just look at the hair please haha)

A couple Random Photos for fun!

Jade, my lovely friend who recently graduated from rehab and myself:)

...look you can see part of my star tattoo:)

Glitter Sparkles in those Eyes

25 Followers!!! Thank you beautiful ladies:D You just are so encouraging and inspiring. Thank you for all your wonderful comments, especially in reguards to the past few posts, which have been rather intense. Its so amazing to have such understanding, and kind words said: even though you all have your dark moment and hidden places too. I love how this a place to reach out to someone who cares and understands. Im just thrilled:)

I have to start off by saying "I AM SO FREAKING EXICTIED TO GO TO AUSTRALIA!!"

4 more days until paradise!!!

I have been home for 5 months already, and it feels like yesterday i got here. Last night, i went shopping with Summer and i bought a crapload more stuff for my trip.

Just small things like hair ties, a new brush, MAC "esstenails" as i call it...ect.. I wish it wasnt so damn expensive, but honestly, once you go MAC you can't go back haha. I tried to find a convertor so i can use my $300 straightner there, but i cant find one that will support the voltage. Rubbish I say! Half the people on the base back in the Gold Coast are originally from Canada so they are all asking me to bring them their fav. Canadian goodies: im excited to buy it for them but BOY does it add up $$.
We seriously RAN around the mall. West Edmonton Mall at one time was the biggest mall in the world, i dont know if it is anymore. So I def. got some excercise last at the mall. I had already done 30 mins on the eliptical + abs, leg lifts, push ups after work. OH and i showered for the first time with my new hair, AND IT FEELS SO WEIRD! i just had to throw that out there.
After our mall sprint, we went to Moxie's for supper at like 8:30pm. I usually eat at like 4:30-5:00 so i was starving. We shared sweet potato fries and i had a salmon salad (no dressing). It was lovely.

Last night when i got home I watched SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE. Oh my goodness that show just gets me every time! I miss dancing SO Much!! They had this one dance at the end of the show, and it was about 2 best friends, then one stabs the other in the back: and its shows them fighting,in pain, after being so close. Then finally just walking away. MAN i like cried, it was SO moving. Im pretty sure we all of have had that happen before and the dance protrayed it SO well. Bah, i wanna do that so bad. Create peices that show real life pain and struggles. Things that reach into a persons pain and touches them: that help them feel for just a moment that they are not alone. Anyways...yeah:)

Today, I am trying to sort out heaps of stuff i still need to do before i leave, balancing that with seeing all of my friends, and spending time with my family. Tricky business. Still wish my mom was here for everything, she always knows what to do and remembers things i never do. Oh well. Im going to get my tooth fixed today:) yeay for no more chipped tooth. Im used to feeling it on tongue now, but still it doesnt look pretty at all! Im going for "drinks" with D tonight. Im gonna miss her. But i hope me going to the dentist doesnt spoil our plan... it shouldnt? I hope it doesnt take too long either! I EFFING HATE the dentist..*shivers*

Oh; Ok. I need a moment to write down my feelings... my feelings for a certian finnish boy R. So, i have mentioned him before, but in a nutshell. We were like so into eachother when were in the Gold Coast last year, but when we both went home, and we skyped, bah he was terrible at it and all this stuff happened. You know if its real if you still want to be with someone after the "honeymoon stage and warm fuzzy feelings" have gone. Nothing like being a world away from eachother with a guy who cant even hardly speak english to do that for you. So anyways after a shitlod of drama i was like forget it! i dont want to be with you. i hate skype and dating on it! So we agreed we didnt wanna try for a relationship and let it go. It felt SO much better afterwards because if we missed our skype chat time, or didnt talk for 2 weeks it wasnt a big deal. And thats how its been lately. Just chatting as friends whenever we can with no expectatons. But lately: I have been missing him. A LOT. Like i have been thinking about him all throughout the day. When i talk to him, its like WOW i forgot how utterly attractive you are boy! Bah, i suddenly have all these feelings for him again. I am like suddenly so excited to see him. He is also moving to the Gold Coast on the same base as me. So we will be living in Oz together:) We'll see how it works. He's not getting there until September yet. He's still all the way in Finland.

So this post is a whole heap of nothing too special. Just chattering to myself. I will be off to munch on my ricecake, and make a few more phone calls. SO MUCH TO DO!

Peace and LOVE!

Enjoy your day lovely ladies! Stay strong, beautiful and healthy<3

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Oh, You're so Exquisite

So, it is officially time to stop messing around with my life. The past 5 or 6 days have been a huge blurr (liturally in some parts), and have really got me looking at myself and what the hell i have become. Here's what happened:

So, when i get below 128 lbs my mind start effing around with me. I got below my goal weight and it turned into hell. Hands down i get depressed suddenly, i hate life, i have no energy nothing. AND when im below that i have like a NEED to be high: all the time.(when im healthy i have NO desire to do drugs and escape) I spent Wednesday night in a k-hole. Thursday night, i went to visit Jade, and we were off to visit my hippie friend. Spent the whole visit there in a k-hole some more: i had to take the bus home and i HATE taking the bus home like that. Got home, and after the high wears off im just spacey as well. Its like my body is there, but my mind in blank. numb. switched off. i just sit there staring into nothingness thinking chaos but its like i cant respond to my thoughts with any feelings or actions or words. Just nothing. SO Thursday night, i dropped and the moment i did i regreted it. Turns out the pills were shit anyways but it only made the utter empty nothingness void even bigger. I spent hours just staring at myself in the mirror trying to connect to the person staring back blankly at me. Looking at my body, i could see so many bones and i absolutely HATED it. No shape. No figure. Just bones. I suddenly fell asleep. Friday, i planned to pack for my trip. But instead half the day was spent binging and purging until i had nothing left to eat. Then i did more drugs, which got me pretty swacked for a little while, but i had run out. AGAIN. I was hollow. I found myself trying to hide my frail figure so Jade wouldnt notice. I left sketchy and met my hippie friend at a cafe: where my mind was finally starting to connect to things again. BUT he pulled out his stuff and here i go again. Just enough to get me scattered as hell, before i have to meet Jade. I meet her, and we end up back at the hippie's house. Guess what happened? I got so fucked up. We all did. My friend S had planned a suprise night for me which she was so excited for. She was going to pick us up at 10:30. So what do Jade and I do when we go back to her place high as hell? WE DO MORE... then...More...suddenly i feel clear. My vision isnt blurred anymore but my mind cannot put together more than one thought at a time. If you were to try have a conversation with me during this time i wouldnt be able to focus long enough to understand what you were saying THEN actually talk to you without slurring my speech so bad you couldnt understand me anyways. The bar was a complete disaster. I dont even know what happened the whole time, i was so disconnected. My friends caught Jade but not me. THANK GOD. I dont even AH! They dropped me off and i just sat there in my room. Awake. No tingling sensation. No rush. No euphora. Nothing. Me and my bones. Numb. Cold. Nothing.
Saturday i woke up and finished off my shit from the night before. The whole day i sat on my couch thinking of how much i hated myself and how i am hurting my family and friends, how much i miss being with Jesus: without feeling, or acting. Just a wide empty space in my mind and my soul: I honestly didnt even feel real, or even remotely alive. Real People FEEL. Real People CRY. Real People get ANGRY. Real People SMILE. Not me. I was a blurry, hazy, fucked up spacey mess.

FINALLY my mom came home and honestly it felt SOOO good to have her hold me. We went for dinner and i told her how i just hated myself these days and how much ive been struggling. We had SUCH a good talk and i decided Saturday night eating my chicken and french fries and ice cream sundae: That THIS LIFE is going to be worth living again.

Since then, I have gained quite a bit of weight back. Since i struggle with Mia my weight JUMPS up and down dirastically. (i can loose 10 lbs in a week: just as easily gain 10 lbs in 2 days). I have been 3 days purge free: today i had a slip but i will keep on going strong and not let myself be condemned or ashamed. Sunday was a free day where, I enjoyed stir fry, french fries, cake, and pizza without freaking out, and without purging. I still am eating healthy, but enough to nourish my body. I feel so much better, and I feel myself again. Right now its about being healthy, not being stick thin. Its time to get these teeth strong, hair full again, skin glowing and muscles back!!

I did something crazy (to me at least) on Monday. I have always had long hair my whole life and its been a huge part of who i am. My hair was past half way down my back and I cut it off up to my jaw line and i ABSOLUTELY love it!! i feel like im a brand new person!! Its such a FREEING feeling. It was something I had to do for myself to say: This is it. The Old Rachel is gone, its time for something new.

I am going to be moving to Australia in 5 days. I will be a leader there in a Missions School, and I want to set a GOOD example for young people to follow. I want them to look at me and see someone who is balanced and stable: someone who is healthy and happy and someone who LOVES the Lord and will not compromise her beliefs. I have compromised for too long. I have bought into the lie that i am worthless if im not bone thin. Truth be told: when im bone thin i am so misreible i spent all my time wanting to die and not live. I cant even do the things i want to do because i have no focus or energy to do them. No one once told me i was beautiful when i was super thin. When im like that, my relationships with the people I love are always stressed and messed up. Its not worth it to live a lie, trying to pretend like im somebody im not. I have been through this cycle round and round for years now and I have expierenced ENOUGH. It is so not worth it: the self hate, the depression, the institutions, the hopsitals, the obessions, the sickness. I HATE how i am when im obessed with food and drugs. I hate that i turn into a monster: I become this fake person: doing anything she can to stop people from seeing the pain inside.

You know I have known all along, that Jesus is there waiting for me. That he made me beautiful and perfect: that he loves me no matter what i do or how i look: That im not valueable because of what i do, but because of who He is. The past few days, I have finally been spending time with him, and i feel so renewed and restored. He doesnt condemn me, but accepts me wherever im at and wants to be with me. Why do i always run away and look for love and acceptance and fulfillment in places that leave me empty. Only he can take away the pain and the shame and the self hatred. Only he can take away my desire to purge and do drugs! And I am determined to do whatever it takes to grab ahold of that freedom he died for me to have. I don't feel condemned or ashamed of what i have done, even in the past few days. he has forgiven me and made me new.:) I feel so peaceful and happy and light. EVEN though i messed up today.

Today: I choose life. I choose truth. I choose joy. I choose peace. I choose real love. I choose Jesus.

Ladies, please do not think for one moment that I judge any one of you for a second. You are all so beautiful, and I am so glad that I have met you all via blogger. You have been such inspirations to me in so many different ways and have helped me more than you realize. I hope you can all achieve your goals and be healthy and whole, and enjoy your life at the same time with the people you love. I'll still be around blogger:) No worries!


Here are the Lyrics to my "Pick me up get me going song"

Blisters and Coffee

A showdown at dusk,
This old town is lost,
I'm flat on my back
And I can't see through the dust.

But you never told me that I was worthy,
You didn't let me live just to hurt me.

We will lift up our hands.
We will rise up against.
Is a part of us all
its time to let it go.
We will lift up our hands.
We will rise up against.
Is a part of us all
its time to let it go.

What happens now when I walk out of town?
And the enemy surrounds me bent on hunting me down?
I'll be moving silent while the enemy sleeps,
I'll show no mercy like the first time when they came after me.

You'll never catch me.
You'll never own me.
Out on this lonely landscape I am free

I guess we figured it out.
One by one we're picking them off.

We will lift up our hands.
We will rise up against.
It's a part of us all
It's time to let it go.
We will lift up our hands.
We will rise up against.
It's a part of us all
It's time to let it go.

Thursday, July 29, 2010


First of all, i wanted to say Hi to my new follewrs!! 21! Thats so crazy:) Thank you for you lovely people that actually take the time to read and comment on my blog. I really look forward to it as one of the highlights of my day (bhaha that sounds lame but its true). you ladies are amazing thank you!!!

Last night, during dinner guess what i did? I CHIPPED MY TOOTH on my fork!! Its not like a little one either, its like a huge chunck off one of my teeth close to the front of my mouth!! its like really noticable! I am like FREAKING out. I know it happened because my teeth are weak from mia....UGGG. Obviously my vitamins can only do so much after so long...

So its offically super uncomfortable to sit anywhere for long than like 1 minutes without changing positions. i have bruises all over me that last forever from nothing. ALL of my clothes i am swimming in: i put on a pair of my tight booty shorts and they don't even stay up. like a month ago i was bursting out of them! the racing fluttery heart rate is back. its been 2 years since my last period. i dont make it through the day without those dizzy spells that make you feel high. its getting harder to excercise, i physically can barely run 20 mins now.i am exhausted all the time. i am freezing cold all the time. purging is as effortless as swollowing, i have lost a shit load of hair. every single one of my ribs in plainly visible. my hip bones look like they are going to peirce threw my skin... and still... i look at that number... 121 lbs BMI 18.4 and think NO. I still see that as fat! Half of these things terrify me and the other half exicte me. I feel like im on the other side of things now: the ugly side... its like when i first started out with this shit i felt so in control and powerful. Half of that feeling of power comes from keeping it hidden. My family knows everything about mia and i, and everything else. I am fooling no one and i even know it!BUT i just can't stop!

Sorry for the gloomy rant, i just have to get it out. Chipping my tooth last night really sent me into like panic mode.

Anyways. Last night I made muffins. I did really well, at first. I didnt eat any. But then by the end of the night I ate like 3. For supper i ate heaps of veggies and lean turkey skewers. I made my sister nachos, and then made my dad popcorn. i snacked on their snacks too. why do i do that to myself anyways? i make food to tempt me to eat it.
I went out for tea with A last night, and he offered to buy me a pastry and i said no. Thankfully i had self control at least once last night.

On a side note: MAN do i ever miss A. I have known him for 10 years now and we have been friends and through SO MUCH over the years. we were like best guyfriend/girlfriend for 8 years then we dated. I have dated other guys but i have only really loved A. Like there is no one else like him and i still think that... But mia and my lifestyle at the time took over, and i ended up doing the worst thing you could ever do to someone you LOVE: I got super drunk and cheated on him:S things fell apart after that and we broke up. We didnt see eachother for a full almost 2 years after that. But i went and got help for my shit and he moved on. He was dating this other girl all of last year. Whenever i would see his facebook status as "in a relationship" it always cut deep because i wanted that girl to be me. we had connected last year once after i came home from rehab and he told me that he had forgiven me for everything and wasnt mad anymore. It was such a cool moment! Anyways, this past April a close friend of ours died. Her death is what brough us back into eachother lives. Since she died, we have been hanging out again, just having fun! Bah, he is so amazing, its so hard because we are finally reconnecting and im leaving! I have no idea whats going to happen!

Tomorrow, i plan will to be a fast day. I just need to get the past few days out of my system and being pumping my body with healthy nurishing food again. For the next while, im not going to worry about calories, as long as its good food like fruits and veggies and lean protien going in, we are all good:)

I am taking tomorrow off of work, which i am thrilled about! I plan to get some packing done, and then off to the capital x. Jade's foot is feeling better so she said she can go now! im really excited how things are actually working out! i haven seen her in like a month so yeayy! im visiting her tonight with my hippie friend. hope he doesnt mention this weekend to jade: how him and i were a swacky mess most of sunday afternoon together. Tonight, i really want to roll... like really. If i do, i will be exhausted for tomorrow...but then i can just roll again? No, i don't have enough.

I have to be honest here on blogger, although man is it ever painful sometimes to read this stuff. Is this really me? Enough of my emotions!! This is going to be a fun and fabulous weekend! I will get to my goal weight of 118 and i will stay there and LOVE IT:) Oh, and no more graham crackers: im just saying.

stay strong and beautiful lovely ladies!! ive been reading your blogs and you're all doing so well im so proud you girls!! keep it up<3


Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I don't know how I feel today.Its that time of the month again: the time where im supposed to have my period (but don't) but still have the horrifying depressing mood swings, ravoneous appitite, bloating and pimples glaore!
I have been reading some blogs that have got me thinking again about a lot of stuff. Its good.

To the girls who may read this blog, who do not yet have a diagnosed ED, who are just starting with the obessing of weight and numbers: with purging. please run the other way while you still can. While you still have a choice. I mean please live a healthy lifestyle but not one trapped in a disorder. I have had mia for almost 4 years now, and its done nothing but reak havok up my body and my mind, my relationships. I am 100% powerless, and i hate it! I hate mia with a passion, but i cannot shake her. Not on my own.

"Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long"

I was reading "peanut"s blog and i was reminded of someone i have been forgetting: someone really important. God. I had forgotten that he made me, and he loves me for who I am. That im made in HIS image. I have forgotten that it only by the power of his love will i ever see myself as beautiful and free. I believe that there is complete freedom not just "recovery" for this.... or at least i did. I know its my own shame that keeps me trapped. Trapped in with mia, trapped with drugs... i feel so ashamed to go to God for help. I feel like im a hyopcrite because im a christian and i should " know better". I have gotten so much "help" for both and i STILL struggle. I've been to rehabs, counsellors, phygologists, therapists, treatment homes, recovery homes, programs, AA/CA/NA, you name it. I've done it.
It just goes to show you that you have have all the resources given to you but in the end its still up to you. I went to a girls home for 6 months and expiernced almost a year free of any ED. But life happened (as it always does) and i let mia back in... and where ever mia has free reign drugs are not far off.

My family is going through hell right now too: my dad is super depressed, my sister is super depressed with more divorce drama than you can imagine. My mom is beyond crazy stressed taking it out on everyone: its like so much emotional stuff in the air right now: and i dont do well with stress (who does?). So automatically i turn to mia/drugs instead of God. Last night all i wanted to do was get high. But i didn't. When i feel like that: i make sure that i don't because i dont want to abuse the stuff again.

ANYWAYS: thats where my head is at right now but im really emotional this week cuz of my "non period" so everything feels more amplified. I meet with my pastor every week to talk about stuff so, today will be good to get things off my chest and get some prespective on things again.

On other things!

My cell phone is being stupid, it like doesnt work at all anymore. Im not super happy about that but at least i am only in town for another 2 weeks. So yeah.
My dad leaves on thursday and i took Friday off so im exicited! Im going try get some packing done, then go to the Capital X. still trying to figure out what to do about jade being injured. L wants to take me out Friday night too bah so many things!Last night, i totally missed my skype date with R. I have NO desire to have a deep conversation late into the night. He needs to talk super deep all the time and ive just not been in the mood for that lately. I watched Evan Almight instead haha.

Intake lately has mostly consisted of graham crackers and peanut butter dispite my efforts to eat more healthy. its how i feel and quite frankly i just dont care:) its kind of invigorating actually although i probably wont feel the same way tomorrow. Im going out for lunch today and havent even thought about it at all...just for today im going to pretend like i dont care... just for today.

Mmmm i really feel like raving right now... dancing ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Friday night maybe, after the X and going out with L? Thats the great thing about the Y. its open from 1am-8am so it doesnt interfere with your evening plans:)

This post is longer than i expected it to be: im off to my graham crackers now! Dang straight.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

i'd speak this color to stand still

Its offically time to start maintaining. I didn't weigh myself yet but i dont have to. Today, i put on some jeans that normally are either snug or just fit perfectly: and they hardly stay up around my waist. I feel like weight loss for me is like: i work hard on getting it off for a long time, and nothing seems to change... then suddenly i wake up one morning and hello hip bones, ribs and collar bones. Suddenly i can't push my thighs together when im standing, and hardly when I am sitting. I am happy, but at the same time im scared. When my mom sees me, shes going to freak out. I find that i don't want anyone hugging me, because im afraid they will feel my ribs and comment on how skinny i am again. Isnt that twisted up? Its like this is what i want but its a bitter sweet feeling. All i know is i cant lose any more. I haven't worked out in a few days. I feel my energy levels going down with the weight i have lost. So its time to up the intake so i can excercise and feel good about both.

I would put photos up, but i cant find my camera:S its annoying.

I am not really hungry but im forcing myself to eat anyways. I am eating a cup of brocolli with hummus, and a HUGE cup of steeped tea for Breakfast. Snack 4 graham crackers (120 cal) Lunch im having a salad with heaps of veggies. I brought some sugar free jello for a snack:) delishh. I didnt add it up either. today i dont care. As long as its veggies, its not a big deal. Tonight is chicken and veggies so it will be good.

In other things, I thought i had plans for this weekend but now things have changed. I was going to go to the capital X (the fair) with Jade, but she sprained her foot and she cant really get around. I really wanted to go to the y (afterhours club) too afterwards. Its the only time i will have a chance to go out anywhere before i leave in 2 weeks. But i feel bad if i ditch Jade because she's injured. Blaah... this kind of sucks. I probably sounds horrible too for wanting to go out instead of stay in with her. I will most likely end up staying in:its just what i feel like doing verus what i need to do.

I feel like this post is boring and i have nothing really to say. Maybe later on ill have more exciting news.

19 Followers WOW!! almost in the 20's! I cant even believe it! Thank you so much girls, i know i say it all the time but it means so much that you read and comment:) your the best<3

***Oh, and i had a couple people ask me what I am doing in Auz so i thought i would repsond via. blogging it:) I am going to work for a Christian Organization called "Youth With A Mission" (YWAM). My job will be to staff schools for young adults to attend, to be trained to go out into short term missions. 3 months of lectures/training in the community, and 3 months outreach in another country. I did my school in the Gold Coast, and my outreach in Indonesia last year. I am really looking forward to being challanged in my leadership skills and developing new relationships with people from all over the world. PLUS i am in love with Australia so its a bonus living there too!!***

Monday, July 26, 2010

Shooting Star*

17 Followers!! What?! Thank you SO MUCH ladies, for following and reading and commenting!! Its so wonderful to have your support, and thoughts and inspiration here. It is so nice to feel like you are understood by someone! Even if its on a blogger, at least we have it! you ladies are truely amazing, and i SO grateful for each and every one of you. You are all so special to me, and i love reading your blogs as well! You should know that=)

I don't even know where to start with this weekend: WELL we, will start with my weigh in this morning... DRUMROLL Please... 121 lbs!! I am only 3 lbs away from my goal weight!! How did that even happen? It feels like i was just having the 130 plateau, then the 125 pleateau... now its the last stretch. I am happy though with my weight, and how its going. Like i said before, i do not wish to be any thinner than 118. Im already thinking if i end up around 120 here, I will be happy. I still have muscles, and stuff: not completely fragile. But i don't really want to be either. i want energy to do the things i love to do: like dance. And i can only do that if i have some meat on me:) minimal of course:) I just need to maintain: and not lose anymore once im at my GW 5.

My party Friday night was so much fun. I ate so much sugar i felt hung over the next day. It was worth it though. All the shitty food i ate. It was my party anyways. My friends bought me a star!! A real star in the sky! For anyone who knows me: knows i LOVE stars! ALWAYS have. I have them tattooed on my back and i draw a star beside my left eye every day. i just love them. They symbolized hope for me: and i have them on my back on purpose :That i choose to carry hope with my in every circumstance, where ever i go. I have to name it still: i have NO idea. What would you name a star if you had to name it? its so tough!

Saturday: Intake wise was pretty good. I ate a cupcake :S not so awesome, but i was walking around ALL day so i know for a fact i burned it off. I also had a frozen yogurt (90 cals) at the movies with my dad. And only a couple small handfulls of popcorn. I dranks lots of water Saturday.

I hung out downtown with L for a while, then i went to the ave and met up with H for cupcakes. (why did i ever suggest that? it was an amazing cupcake though not gonna lie i enjoyed every moment of it). Met up with JN and wondered around.

Ended up doing drugs again. H and JN always have it on them. I didn't get messed up I just did a bit. Saturday night, i got messed up. I had SUCH a wierd trip: my mind sure comes up with some weird shit when im high. I hate admiting this but its my blog and i have to be honest.

Sunday: i went to church with my dad, and we cooked lunch together. I had a small piece of BBQ'd chicken breast with a small salad and veggies. I didnt' count the caloires but it was my meal for the day. I went to the ave again to visit my hippie friend. He was feeling down, so i brought him a present i had gotten him earlier on last week to cheer him up. A gift card for his fav. coffee shop and some of his fav. drinks/snacks.

We ended up getting pretty messed up at his house: and when im like that i think eating ice cream is the best idea ever. So we somehow found our way to marble slab (its just like coldstone) and i bought the biggest waffle cone with reese, and cookie dough with ice cream. The sugar helped me come down from my high enough to realized what i just ate... so i went to the nearest coffee shop and purged:( After that i had an espresso which was A BAD idea: it was like 5 at night. Can't drink caffine like that after a certian time i wont sleep. I went to the pool for an hour to visit some friends, then went home. Last night, i COULD not sleep. Espessro, mashed with the lingering affects of the drugs, my mind would NOT shut off: again making up such weird stuff i couldnt believe it. I hope you girls don't think im a horrible person!!:(

I was full expecting to be so exhausted this morning: that i would miss my alarm and be late walking my dog and late for work. BUT it turns out, i was up right when my alarm when off at 5, out of bed by 5:01 and getting ready and alert and full of energy. Its amazing how i actually feel refreshed like i got a full nights sleep which i didnt. Its work week now: which means i have to be good. No doing stupid things on week nights: thats my rule. I have to be focused and alert for work and do a good job. Period.

This morning, i went on an unessecarily large binge. Maybe i was rewarding myself for getting to 121 this weekend? Or not? I don't know. But I purged most of it, because it was a lot of BAD food (cookies, cinnaman buns, tim bits, breakfast sandwich ect..) i dont feel hungry at all. I should have eaten my hemp hearts this morning but thats the ONE THING i forgot to do. AND i paid for it dearly. Oh well. Keep going:)

I hope you ladies have a successful, and wonderful week! Do something you love to treat yourself <3 you girls deserve it!


Friday, July 23, 2010

Brilliant Brilliant Brilliant

I would just like to act as if yesterday didn't even happen... would that be okay? It goes to show you that how you start your day really does set the course for how the rest of it is going to go: yesterday's full day theme = BINGE. Enough said.

Today is different. Today is better. Got a chance to weigh in: 124 lbs!! One pound is one pound. I would like it to be more, but its better than gaining right? ESPICALLY after the way i binged yesterday. By the end of this weekend i plan to be my new GW of 123 lbs.

I feel much better today, and i have no urge to binge at all. Its becuase i RE-found Hemp Hearts!! All i have to say about them is OMGSH i cant believe i forgot about them! 280 cal for 4 tablespoons: Gives you all the nutrients your body needs for the entire day! It fills you up, supressed your appitite, helps you not crave carbs, gives you energy, the list of things these little seeds do is endless. I used to eat them for breakfast every morning, and i wouldn't even feel hungry until the evening. You should google them and read up on them!! Will change your life!!!

Intake today:

4 tablespoons Hemphearts 280 cal. + Vitamines

Diet Coke

Try eat as little as possible

Tonight, my friends are throwing me a going away party AKA. campfire. This means HEAPS of food everywhere, especially hotdogs, smores, pop and chips. Hmmm. HENCE why Dinner intake is: eat as little as possilbe. i know that i can do this, i know it. Rachel just because there is food there, does not mean you have to EAT all of it. I am going to allow myself one smore, so they dont get all suspicious. These are some of the friends i have that remember me in my former well call them "heavier" days where i ate everything in site and then some.

I just checked the forcast for this weekend and its supposed to be between 27-30 degrees ALL weekend!! YESS!! I am stoked! Im not going to get sunburned this weekend though. *I just got a text from my friend and he invited me to a pool party Sunday: that means i have to put on my bikini... more motivation for me to practice self control tonight. I WILL DO IT. Saturday is a fast day and it will be easy to do. I am planning and visiting people all day, so it makes it easy to forget about food. I am going to the movies with my dad which again leads to movie popcorn...but! looking good in my swimsuite trumps popcorn any day!!

Another FOLLWER thank you leena:) Its so exciting to see!!

ps. Rachel my Twin. Don't forget you are

to keep from binging tonight i ate lunch:
1 english muffin: 170 cal
1 slice low fat turkey: 20 cal
1 slice tomoatoe/lettuce: 10 cal

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Laugh it UP Rach

Today I have decided is going to be another positive day. It sure didn't start that way though. It was one of the mornings i woke up and the FIRST thing i thought was "binge". So thats what i did this morning.
Cottage cheese, yogurt, fruit, an english muffin with butter, almonds, dried apricots, a chocolate chip cookie and oatmeal. Bleh. Back on track though. No more food for today. Drinking heaps of tea, and water. Trying to up my water intake again. I just HATE how much i have to pee haha. Oh well.

Last night, oh my. I dont even know why i was even HUNGRY this morning!! My friend ended up going to Mcdonalds before the movie. Now with S, she expects me to eat as much junk as she does because in the "old days" which she loves to live in, i ate supersized mcdonalds meal's, followed by icecream and popcorn and beef jurkey. The amount of calories i consumed last night was shamful. I purged some of it: but not enough. I dont actually feel that bad about it: its one of those things where i have to laugh at myself to keep from crying and wanting to shoot myself. so LAUGH IT UP RACH!

... i really need to weigh myself. Its been like over a week an a half now. Im like 100% positive i gained from the past few days...but i just would like to know where im at, so i can re-set my goals and such ya know?

Tonight, i have to go to "Taste of Edmonton" with my sister. Luckily i have it planned out. Ill just buy one thing and pick at it like im eating, then throw it out when shes not looking. I've dont it before so it works. Its a shame to waste money, but seriously after my morning binge i don't need any more calories.

You know what is almost impossible for me to do? Keep to my budget! I am great at planning them out, but i always end up giving into a binge urge one day and spending money i dont have on food i dont want. am i the only one who does this? But today is a new day, and i will not spend money on food. period. Only stuff from home. Which is always healthy, low fat and low cal. Theres not usually EVER junk food in our house ever since my dad had a heart attack last year. Which, im totally all for not having junk galore everywhere i turn. That way my binges at home always end up being on lettuce and broccoli:)

A quick thank you to the lovely ladies who texted me:) i won't say your real names on here, but you know who you are! I love having support a quick text away. You girls are seriously amazing!!!
PS. 2 NEW FOLLWERS!! Thank you so much "lily" and "Emily Bones"!! It means soo much you'd follow me and read my blog! you girlies are awesome!!xxxo.

mmmm another day of sunshine!! i just looked at the forcast and i those little sunshine icons never looked soooooo beautiful!!
I cant wait until im in Australia, where its always sunshine. 18 more days!!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Hopful Sunshine and Awards

Five Likes:
1. Dancing of ANY kind, ANYWHERE
2. Perfect sunny days at the pool/beach getting tanned
3. Making Kandi with friends at the Leg. or in a park
4. Neon Rainbow Colors
5. Festivals!!

Five Dislikes:
1. When people Say one thing and do another
2. Mushrooms
3. -60 degrees in the winter :/not cool
4. When my clothes are too tight
5. Gossip

I Nominate:
1. This is my life. i love it. i hate it
2. Rachel<3
3. Lulu
4. Elle
5. ~N~

Thank you miss alisha for giving me this award:) Def. means a lot!! I didnt know blogging could be so addiction oh my word! But it is!! Speaking of which another follwer!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! double digits! its crazy to think someone reads the stuff that goes on in my life! You girls are amazing!!

Rachel. Seriously every day i look forward to reading your blog and your comments! You have such a special place in my heart, you should know that! I just can feel your heart in your struggles, and you should know that im here for you even if its only in blog form!! you are so much stronger than you think! you have been through so much, and you are def. such an inspiration!! i am so excited to see you grow and reach your goals and find happiness! Don't give up, you are so precious and beautiful<3 xxo.

So, today is such a lovely day. I have this new hope just like bursting out of me today. Hope for life. Hope for change. Hope for myself and for those around me.

My friend A graduated from 3 months rehab this morning. It was amazing!! I love going to things like that, they are so inspiring. She is a completely different person. I met her in detox 2 years ago: and for some reason we have been able to keep in contact through the past 2 years. We used to get into a lot of trouble together, she used to sell shit to me for goodness sake. But its so cool to see her happy and healthy!! i mean: the real A is back!! Her skin is clear, she is alert, smiling, laughing! She has hopes and dreams and ah its so exciting! she didnt think i could make it, so when i showed up it superised her so much, she flipped out:) its was awesome!

I was really reminded of what i've been through and how far really I have come in the past 2 years. Its like, I am living life now and I have no reason to turn back into my old lifestyle of doing drugs. There is nothing but death and destruction there. I don't miss being on the streets, sketching out, panic attacks, cravings, withdrawl, comedown, nosebleeds, runny nose, overdosing, bad trips, losing friends, never showering (i would sometimes go for days without cleaning myself. i didnt care i was high), doing a poor job at work, insomnia, nightmares, the shakes, being at war with my family, having to hide from the cops, covering up, dirty money, racing heart, "shadow people", being paranoid, being in detox, being in rehab...having to face the people i love after all of it. If i take a moment to think of even just a few of these reasons: I remember that, its not worth it. Life is so much more beautiful and worth living: I don't waste it on something that leaves you lying dead.

Intake today:

B: Tea

L: Tea
1 cup Chicken Brothe: (10-15 cal)

S: 1 cup Mixed Raw Veggies:)(to eat AT movies)

I am going to see Eclipse again with L. She hasnt seen it yet, so its a give in! Im bringing Veggies tonight to munch on during the movies. Lucky for me, bringing healthy food everywhere i go insnt uncharacteristic of me: and in fact people expect me to be a health nut. So it works out:) Popcorn will most likely happen but I will only eat a couple handfulls. I dont really care, my intake has been practically nothing today so i can eat the damn popcorn haha. Im not working out today, i dont have time plus, i decided today will be my "break" day. Let these muscles rest to rebuild!!

Got another letter from Elliot last night. SO SO weird to hear from him. He writes, and he's a completely different person. I think we are going to going to church together on Sunday night. Im nervous/excited/ AHHH! Crazy!!! He's going to BC for 2 years and im going to Australia for 2 years. SO this will be our last time seeing eachother probably ever... unless our paths HAPPEN to cross again like they did this time. WHICH i still cant even hardly get over. So cool.

Its a SUNNY and HOT day today for once, and not rainy. So that contributes to my joyful, happy, hopful mood forsure:) Ps. It also feels AWESOME to be empty, and not full of food:) I best be off!

peace and love my beautiful girls<3 For all of you who are reading this, THANK YOU with ALL OF MY HEART!!! it means so much!!


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I will hide in strawberry fields

I need to take this blog space to vent all of the horrors that are spinning around in my mind at the moment with my body. i NEED to for my sanity.
First of all, on September 29 2010 it will have been 2 years since my last period. I know the only reason I had it while i was at my lowest weight of 100 lbs with mia is because i was on birth control. Since i went off it, i havent even had the slightest indication im going to get it. Of course i still have once a month where im bitchy as hell and feel like the world is ending and break out: but no release.
My Hair: is. falling. out. Shit shit shit SHIT. I used to have such THICK hair and now its like half gone, i kid you not. I need to do something cuz obviously the vitamins and omega oils and food isnt doing it enough. When i think about it, my heart actually races with anxiety. I dont ever want to have to cut my hair off cuz its too thin to have long! long hair is all i've ever known!! BAH fucking mia.
My Teeth: look and feel like shit now. I can see them getting translucent.
But do you think that motivates me to stop? ANY of it? IN the moment nothing else matters but getting the food out of me. Its like binging. You dont really think in the moment that its going to matter: but do it enough times and you pay. Maybe this will be more inspiration for this week of no binging...
failed at no purging again. Chocolate Cake can DIE for all i care.
Sorry about the being so negative. I just have to get this off my chest it seriously eats at me all the time. Knowing my body is slowing falling apart. its so embarrassing writing this down, but its not a blog if you lie right?

On another note! Last night was wicked awesome! I did tae bo for an hour then went and did laps at the pool for half an hour and stayed the rest of the night in the hot tub. I feel my muscles getting firmer and i can see them toning up. I can also see my collar bone protruding more:) its beautiful. LOVING the feeling of once tight but now baggy clothes. Swimming in my size 4's which means I will fit nicely in my 2's. I wish i could weigh myself i actually feel thin! I will not go lower than 118 lbs though. As badly as i might want to when i hit it. I know my body will not function anything less.

Intake Today:

B: 1/2 cup cottage cheese: 100 cal
1/4 cup berries: 35
1 cup green tea: 0
S: Chocolate Cake :???-purge. :(
L: 1 cup Romaine Salad - :35 cal
1 slice low fat turkey: 20 cal
D: Taco Salad: 1 cup romaine, couple cherry tomatoes, red onion, red pepper, couple bites of chicken, sprinkle of cheddar cheese and 1/4 cup salsa : 120 cal

Total: 310 cal

PLUS i am going to be eight going for a long as run, or kicking my ass in tae bo. No idea how to count calories burned but im sure im going to be fine. Once i get to 118 i will increase intake so that i can maintain without losing. Tricky one:) I feel good about it though.

So, my Finnish friend who's a boy. ARG. Why does he have to be SO dang perfect as soon as i tell him i DONT want a relationship? Its like as soon as we took the expectation off tha we arent going to date: we've been talking even more and, its been so much better than before! Ps. He is incredibly HOT. He look like a Greek god i kid you not! like PERFECT body, white blond hair, ice blue eyes... never thought id EVER go for that look ever. But man. Anyways, im not going to jump on anything here but my feelings are playing a number on me: again. Which is precisely why i must not act on my feelings at the moment. they are bound the change in the next... oh i dont know day or 2? maybe in the next hour.

mini goal for this week: STOP using so much salt. Subtitute with pepper. No need to get my sodium levels through the roof: or be super bloated either. If I want to use salt, i am to use sea salt..

So my mom leaves for her trip back home for a week on Saturday. I cant tell you how excited i am. I LOVE my mom dont get my wrong. Its just, i spend 89 % of my week with her (we both work in the same building like 50 metres away from eachother). so we car pool, work together, eat together... EVERYTHING together. It will be nice to have some space: me and my dad will be able to spend some quality time before i leave. PLUS she deserves it. its nice when she's gone because my dad gives me my space where my mom is does not. Next week i have 3 days alone:) hello fasting

Monday, July 19, 2010

Trance is my new Baseline

Monday Morning!

First of all: Weigh in this morning didn't go as well as I had hoped. Not that the number was BAD but because i couldn't get a proper look because i was rushed. From what i could see i was between 125-123. WHICH im hoping it was the lower end of things, but at least i didn't gain so im not worried.

I went and saw Inception yesterday and OMGOODNESS it is one of the BEST movies i have EVER seen in my life! Im still fully blown away by it!! I dreamt about it last night and it messed me up so much, that i couldnt wake up because i thought i was awake already but i was really dreaming...SO WEIRD!

This weekend was all over the place, but sitting here thinking back on it, it was just a weekend. Ice cream party: haha i sometimes have just have to laugh at my lack of self control to stop myself from crying. I not only ate more than my 10x my weight in calories in icecream, I had a nonstop supply of chips going into my mouth. I tried to purge, but it didnt really work out. So that was that. The night itself was really fun visiting with friends: we had some really awesome conversations!!

Saturday I slept in!! i NEVER sleep in it was awesome!!
Now at Fatburger: I already planned in my mind was going to be a Binge/Purge. Fries, Huge Turkey Burger and Strawberry Milkshake: 1750 cals.(not including the heaps of mayo and ketchup on the side) IN ONE FREAKING SITTING. There my friend is happily eating his meal skinny as ever without worry. The rest of the day, i had a frozen yogurt with my sister, and movie popcorn. Not so great but whatever.

My sister totally ignored me the whole time we hung out. Busy on her phone. Seems to be the theme of my hang outs with people lately. Too distracted with their cell phones to actually engage me. Oh well.

I went to see Despicable me with my Mom. not that great. Went home and had a campfire with my parents. I called everyone i knew and NO ONE picked up! So it was me and my parents. I made them smores and I had 2. I don't even care about the calories in them they were delicious. I don't mind spending time with my parents. in 3 weeks ill be gone to Australia for 2 years so i might as well hang while i can. I couldn't fricking sleep though Saturday night. My mind would NOT shut off: (that's what i get for drinking caffeine and eating sugar before bed) I was like in this self-loathing state of mind it was awful! i was just hating myself. BUT, did fall asleep thankfully.

Sunday, i went to church with my mom. We visited one we don't usually go to: it was interesting. He preached good the first half than the second half was like: what? Made for good discussion on the way home. Had tea for breakfast and Veggies with Codfish for lunch. had movie popcorn AGAIN (cant resist it no matter how hard i just don't try anymore) THEN i went to my friends house where she was baking pies! BAH. Blueberry and Pecan Pie and of course i had to eat a piece of each. I purged a little bit of it but i didn't have the chance to properly.

Somehow after that weekend of shitty eating i managed to maintain maybe even lose. I find weekends, i just don't care about what the hell i put into my mouth or how many caloires, or if i work out or ANYTHING. i did work out yesterday, burned about 400 calories. Today i will work out for sure.

Intake today:

B: 1/2 cup cottage cheese 100 cal
1/4 cup berries 25-30 cal
Steeped Tea: 15 cal + Vitamins

L: Romaine Salad: 35 cal
1 slice low fat turkey: 20 cal

D: Whatever parents make: They usually make me veggies and a lean protein

GOAL THIS WEEK: BINGE FREE WEEK. Wish me luck ladies. I am going to need it!

Thank you to my new followers!(and my current followers) Its so exciting seeing there are people actually reading this!! you ladies are so amazing!! i am so thankful you take the time to comment and encourage me and give me advice! i <3 you girls and appreciate you so much!!! You inspire me and challenge me in so many ways. SERIOUSLY!!!

Cheers! Here's to a New week, New goals and NO BINGING!

Friday, July 16, 2010

In light of epic failure

So my liquid fast was a FAIL. To put it lightly.
I was doing so good too! I came home and did my tae boe video thanks to billy blanks and burned a shitload of calories. I also did a tonne of abs and leg exercises. I didn't even go upstairs to tempt myself to go in the kitchen: i cleaned my room for over an hour. Its when i went to go upstairs to see what my mom was watching on TV that it all started to crumble. My parents were going out for dinner that night (hense fasting). But before they went, they wanted to make sure i was eating. So they made me make food in front of them. I just heated up some vegetable soup which i was only going to sip until they left...But they continued to watch: SO i had to eat the whole thing (it was FULL of potatoes and noodles and stuff). Wrong move. This lead to an epic binge: i cannot remember the last time i binged that bad. I wasnt even hungry... you know that thing that just goes off inside you, and its like once your body says its going to binge there is just no choice. Lots of bread, cereal, peanut butter,special k bars, candy, oh who knows? you know its bad when you dont even know how much and of what you just ate. FML. Purged, purged oh i most definitely purged. I feel so ashamed i should have just ate the soup and walked away.Its hard to actually write this down honestly, but it would defeat the point of a blog if i wasnt honest. Plus if i see it written down it will give me more motivation to get to my goals and STOP B/P.

Of course now, i am in the middle of a cracker binge. Who the hell brings a massive box of crackers in for the bulimic girl? really? i hate falling like this because its SO HARD to recover from. I was doing so well with not binging on shit. BINGE ON VEGGIES if you have to Rachel.Restricting right now, is all i can do. Since im trying to get rid of mia i cannot feel full or else i WILL purge. Just habbit. Besides, Ana is much more gracious: all of it sucks but i hate mia. its been 4 years too long. Mia. You're a bitch.

Anyways besides my epic fail, this weekend IS going to be better. I am going to sleep in, and i am going to work out. I am broke but if i go shopping with my mom she will buy me stuff:) Tonight is my ice cream party: dont even wanna think about that... or fatburger tomorrow. Im going to the movies to see Despicible Me. It looks funny.(i just watched the trailer for Inception and it looks so crazy i wanna see it now) This is the last weekend of the Street Preformers Festival, so if its not raining (which is currently has been doing NON STOP for the past oh i don't know 2 =3 months) i wanna go. With who? I really don't know.

Today i miss raving again. I miss being a kandi kid, the people, the music, the y (our afterhours club), all of it. I miss my nights starting at 1 am coming out of the club after the sun has already come up. I miss sketchy sundays and ravers picnics. I miss flaily saturdays. I miss Motion Notion and Astral Harvest (2 of my favorite music festivals). I miss being able to do what i want to do when i wanted to. So many people i know in the scene have been getting out of it recently. WHICH i am so happy for because in reality as fun as it is: its a lifestyle that doesnt need to exceed a year or two. Life must go on. its too easy to be stuck there for life, and its getting to that point where we just gotta move on and grow up. AND so it reaches that time.

Ps. I just wanted to say thank you to Megan for your comment and for following! It means so much to me!! <3

Here's to the weekend!
Peace. Love. Unity. Respect...and sparkly neon stars

Thursday, July 15, 2010

One step, one beat, one more time

So, today is the day of my liquid fast. Got my Water, Tea, Coke Zero and Broth by my side. I have a lot of work to day today too, so it will distract me from the urge to give in to food. Today's intake

B: 1 cup of green tea and 2 large glasses of water

L: 2/3 Cup Chicken Broth (5 cal)
Coke Zero

D: More Water, More Tea
2/3 cup chicken broth (ONLY if needed)

I am so glad to do this because I am so bloated and feel so gross from dinner last night. I ordered ok: small salad, no dressing. But of course he wanted bruschetta to start and i ended up eating half of the loaf... and it was huge! I didnt purge: so I felt so gross the food was so heavy in me. I went home and went for a 30 min walk with my mom and 30 mins on the eliptical. I burned about 400 cal in total. I also did a whole bunch of abs. I would have gone longer but it was late and my mom told me to stop because people were going to bed. I ended up binging on a bowl of veggies, handfull of blueberries, strawberries and a plum. I know its really not bad but it felt bad because i was already full and i didnt need to feel any fuller. I look 2 laxitives last night which i NEVER. i wanna be careful with that shit, but yah. So today i dont even think i could eat my stomache is so messed up: gotta be close to a bathroom at all times. Its not so bad right now, but it comes and goes. Reminds me why i dont ever use those suckers.

Dinner last night was ok. He (being my ex that i would have married: had i not screwed it up by being so sick and twisted and intoxicated... its been 2 years now so we are good...we are just friends) was really distracted the whole time. Im not a fan of people always being on their cell phones, especially when you are out for dinner, or coffee or anything that requires one on one face to face action. I mean it was nice to see him but, he had to rush because he was going for drinks with someone else and yeah. Whatever, it gave me more time to work out a bit.

Im not looking forward to this weekend really. I have to go to an ice cream party (wtf WHO HAS an icecream party?) Where they are going to have all diff. flavours of icecream, toppings, the works. theres no way ill get away with eating nothing. Im still planning it out in my head. Ill just take a little bit and kind of stirr it around while everyone eats and let it melt. Then say im full and get rid of it. Saturday i have to go to Fatburger. JUST THE NAME of it says it all. FML. Im sorry i dont think i can eat there and NOT purge. But besides food, all my friends are pretty much not around. I hate it too, i leave in like 3 weeks and i have no one to hang out with...expect for my family. I LOVE my family dont get me wrong but weekends are when i like to get some space from them. I miss Jade. Eff. I miss having someone to do something with. Everyone is dating and off doing their own thing. Today, it feels like Australia couldnt come any sooner.

Thank you lovely ladies for commenting! I just love reading what you have to say! Your so amainzg thank you!!<3

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Liquid Neon

Well, i cant say that i started today off on the right foot, but i am back on track. And im hoping to keep it that way for the rest of the day thank you!!

B: 1/4 cup plain yogurt (30)
2 Tbs mashed up mixed berry (25)
2 tsp hemp hearts (70)

S: FML I HATE that i LOVE cinnamon BUNS! those little fuckers can die. -purged

L: Small Romaine Salad: Cucumber, Tomatoe, Red Onion,
One small piece of chicken: (55 cal)
Mini Coke Zero (0 cal)
S: Green Apple (80 cal)

D: I have to eat out. AGAIN. Going to order small salad no dressing and pick at it. See how it goes.

Last night I went home to work out and ended up baking muffins! Really Rachel? What the heck? I didn't actually eat one which is a merical in itself. I knew i didnt want it in me and there was no way i could purge it out if i did.

As of late, i can really start to see and feel my ribs, and hip bones and thank God i can finally see my gap between my thighs increase... although no where NEAR where it could be. I love putting my clothes on and feeling them fall off of me.

Today i bought some crispy minis (90 cal packets) and Chicken Broth (5 cal 2/3 cup) sweet hey? Tomorrow i plan on doing all liquids (under 200 cal), as i never had the chance to due to being constantly watched. So i will drink green tea, coke zero, heaps of water, and of course my new chicken broth if i need it.

All my my family and most of my friends know about mia so are constantly watching me after meals. There is no way i can purge after meals unless i plan to go out with someone after the meal who wasn't eating with me. So complitcated. Which is why restricting is so much easier. See, i went to a naturopath a couple months ago and he put me on a strict "no-carb, no sugar, no wheat, no yeast, no ANYTHING fattening diet pretty much" SO: thankfully my parents actually bug me the most if i try eating junk food. They also support my "small portions" (which i normally end up eating only half...taking forever chewing your food helps:)), and never make me eat more. MOST of the time. So there are up-sides to fam. knowing about mia. But not really.
My mom hasn't said anything about my weight lately which is good. She thinks i weigh in at 135 lbs when really its 125 lbs... (since sunday anyways). Im tall so it takes longer to notice it on me...ive also been buying trendy new beggy tops to hide behind, and its working.

Im tempted to eat but i will not give in. im not even hungry! Thats the thing about a desk job... you sit here all day and it makes you want to have food. why is that anyways? I know a guy here who gained 80 lbs since working here!! 80 LBS!!!

I really need to work out today, its been almost a week since i have done anything. well i mean i do abs every night and morning and butt and thighs exercises but cardio im lacking...seriously. Hoping im not out too late for dinner.

still raining... come on sunshine...*SHINE!*

ps. thank you lovely ladies for your comments! they are so encouraging you girls are amazing!!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Rain, rain, go away

Hello Blog,

Today, is raining non-stop. One of those days where you want to curl up in a blanket and watch movies and drink tea and hide from the world. But, at least working = money. So im okay with that.

Last night, i have no idea how many calories i ate. About a cup of mixed veggies, 1/4 chicken breast, small salad with salsa and 1/2 tsp of coconut oil. I did pretty good... I had like a handfull of fuzzy peaches which wasnt so good but oh well. Didnt purge.


B: Small WW flax bagel : 170 cal
1/2 cup mix berries : 30 cals
Green Tea w/ stevia: 0 cal

S: Cinnamon Bun: ???cal (I lose: of course they put them RIGHT beside my desk fml.
I didn't purge)
Mini Coke Zero: 0 Cal

L: ... i dont know if i will eat my lunch im too full :S
Small Romaine Salad w/ tomoato, cucumber, red onion: 45 cal
1/2 teaspoon low fat dressing: 5 cal

D: 4 oz. chicken breast: 120 cal
1 cup steamed veggies: 35-40 cal

So it took me ALL of last night to clean my room. It hasn't been that messy in a VERY long time. It's hard though, because im in between packing for Australia, then packing up my room because my parents want to move in the next year: so all my stuff has to be in boxes or taken with me. Trying to keep it clean is just hopeless. BUT today, i am happy to say that vaccummed, dusted and tidy:) feels good not to trip over everything and know where all my stuff is. I found my glasses layered in my sheets in my bed. I figured i would find them once i cleaned my room.

So, i had a talk with my mom. And she's going to help me stop purging. Because honestly, i hate it, it just screws me up so much. Knowing that i can't purge derastically helps with my binge cravings, and actually helps me restrict a whole lot easier. My parents are all about me not bingeing, so they will be happy to see me eating "small" portions, and saying no to junk food. So it works out in the end, as long as i maintain my proper intake... and my workouts=)
I have been creating meal plans, so i can have a guide to go to. Otherwise i just don't care and don't know what to eat or how much then it just all falls apart. I dont know what im intake # will be yet but we will see.

My sunburn is still red as ever today, but not much pain. Hoping to work out today. I dont like going more than 2 days in a row without working out. If i dont today it will be 3. E is coming over tonight and she said she has something for me:) i cant wait i love presents!

At the moment: i really feel like bingeing...NO> i WILL NOT eat more than i need.


Monday, July 12, 2010

highs n' lows

I got way too much sun this weekend, I can hardly move. Its like my skin is tight and crusty all over my back, stomach, legs and arms and face. At least i got tanned? Well sunburned. I cant find my glasses today, so im wearing my perscription sunglasses at work. Im sure i look awesome.

This weekend was intresting. Didn't quite go foodwise as planned. Went for dinner with my sister. I nursed my drink yes, but had to get a salad (no dressing) so she wouldnt be suspicious. We watched this massive storm come in from the patio. As soon as we were done, it started to downpour! We ended up going to marble slab where i devoured a large frozen yogurt. I ended up purging it all. I didnt really plan on it but i had the opprotunity to so i did.

Saturday, I went out for brunch. AND GUESS WHO SHOWS UP? Elliot! i CANNOT believe it! I was in the middle of telling my friend about how i had just heard from him for the first time in like 2 years, and as i looked over, he was RIGHT there with his mom. He came over and we hugged and said hi. He looks really good. Peaceful and Healthy. Not like the last time we were together. We were both at the lowest, darkest places of our lives when we were last together before we broke up. Im so glad we didnt end up getting married like we had planned. So that was crazy.
Foodwise, i ate eggs benedict and hashbrowns. Purged. We went shopping for a bit then she left. I went to visit my hippie friend and i ended up buying stuff i shouldnt have. I didn't do any until later, but still. It was a good visit though. He was telling me about all the festivals he went to lately, and how amazing Deadmau5 was. I went 2 years ago and he was amazing.

No wonder I was a raver for so many years. Raver = automatically thin without trying. You dance for 12 hours at a time, 2 or 3 days in a row. You never eat much because the drugs keep you full. Even if you did eat you burn it off and then some with all the dancing. Obviously thats why i got down to 100 lbs 2 years ago. Def. not healthy but a much funner, unconcious way of doing it. I didnt have to think about losing the weight i just did.

Anyways: I went for bubble tea with JN: purged. It was nice to visit with him though. I bused home, and hung around for a bit. Didnt end up going to the pool, the weather so did not hold out. I went to the movies with my sister and Dad. i brought some veggies to snack on and bought frozen yogurt. I only had a few handfulls of popcorn so i didnt do too bad.
I.Got messed up later. Slept hard. Woke up feeling like i got hit by a truck... wonder why?

Sunday: Pool Day: Step on the scale. 125 lbs. Wait. No wait. Get off the scale Rach and check it agian.... 125 lbs!!! So, i went downstairs and put the bikini on. Still not 100% confident, but who the hell cares? It was good, i was able to wear it and not really mind at all who saw me.
Food: Fail Fail and FAIL.
I had perpared some veggies and fruit salad and sugarfree RedBull for my intake. BUT she brought chips, and candy and sandwiches. I ate all of it plus ice cream twice. Purged most of it. I got a little swacked at the pool , but decided to just be sober cuz it was more fun that way.
The day was perfect though, i saw heaps of people i know. Kind of awkward seeing people after so long, half naked. Kinda made me wanna hide behind my towel. We stayed from 11 am to 6 pm at the pool. I FRIED. Oh i am so burned, it hurts everywhere.
Later, we ended up going to get mexican food. Nachos, margaritas, enchilladas...yep. Ate all of that too. Felt sick. Purged some of it.
Come home, tried to binge, but felt too sick. I showered and sat on the couch wrapped in a blanket with the chills and a spinning head half watching the simpsons waiting for my parents to come home.

My mom came down to talk to me last night. Bah. She wanted to talk to me about my eating. They want to get me on a plan again so that i keep up my weight and food intake. I have to have a meeting with them tonight to discuss it. I dont know what im going to do. I dont know what I am going to do. I dont know. I should probably feel more anxious about it, but im just so drained from this sunburn Im pretty sure i have sunstroke. I dont even feel like moving. I was going to work out today, but i seriously do not think that is even a remote possiblitly. WE will see.

Today Intake so far:

B:4 tablespoon of hemp hearts: 280 Cal
Tea, Water, Coke Zero: 0 Cal

L: Romaine Salad, with Cucumber, Tomoato and Red Onion. :50 Cal
Low Fat Dressing: 5 Cal

S: No Idea. Should plan it but i have no motivation to.

Sometimes, i wonder: is this really worth it? I have lost almost everything once already because of all this... why am i still doing it then? I know what its like to be healthy and feel good, and not feel or be fat. I know better too. I know that once my BMI gets too low, my emotions go absolutely WILD> I know i get depressed once my weight gets too low. My hair falls out, my teeth ache, i end up doing drugs because im too weak. But still it all seems pale to comparison to being thin. I once believed that i could be free: God help me to want it again.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Twisted Rainbow

Goodmorning Blog!

First of all i just want to say thankyou to all the lovely ladies who leave me comments! They mean SO much to me you dont even know. Its amazing how good it feels to be understood by eachother, and i am so amazed at the encouragement you ladies have given me and eachother:) and thank you so much for reading<3

So, i dont normally weigh in on a Friday... but i couldnt help it. AND...*drumroll please.....***** I BROKE THE 130 PLATEAU!!! 128 lbs!!! YES!! It only gets better from here! It is amazing though how its such a bitter sweet thing. Its like yeah sure i lost 2 lbs but i actually FEEL fatter than i did 2 days ago. Whatever, I will see on sunday if I can keep this 2 lbs off: Id better. I dont want to hit 130 again. Ever.

On a lighter note of things: This weekend i have offically decided is going to be fun! Tonight, my sister and I are going to find a patio in the sunshine and sit there all night. My Plan: Say i ate alreaday to save money (cuz its true i need to) then nurse a drink all night long. Haven't decided what yet. Tomorrow, Im going for brunch with an old friend from high school...again. Plan: Order small fruit cup (ive been there before so it helps) and tea. Say im not super hungry because its the morning. I am supposed to be going to the pool so i cannot be bloated and gross, Since im not around home all day, i dont have to worry about eating. Only if necessary.

OK> SOO i have to be honest here for a second. This is where things might get interesting. Okay so I am supposed to visit my hippie friend after brunch. (before the pool) Now. I know what happened last time i visited him (i got high [Again])...and secretly i want it to happen again. I feel so terrible for saying it, but its my blog and i need to at least be honest with it. Now, he doesn't always have stuff on him: but lately he has, and when i go visit him he kind of expects me to. (Ps. he's not a jerk: we are really good friends: hes like an amazing guy its just that is the relationship we used to have back in the day and still sometimes every now and again). Now, if that doesn't work I am seeing JN tomorrow too afterwards. He's a sweetie, but the same thing. Always has stuff. SO. i feel that tomorrow might go in a certain direction? If anyone reads this i hope you don't judge. *Note: it sounds lame but it helps with my self confidence while in a bathingsuit...which i will be in all weekend... MAN that sounds stupid. BUT its true*

Saturday night though, im going on a date with dad. No dinner thankfully, but a movie. I love movies BUT i hate them at the same time. Damn movie popcorn. The moment i smell the stuff i feel the need to devour a whole large to myself. My dad usually buys it, but never shares so thats good. i just wont bring my own money so im not tempted. He DOES however buy me, no sugar non-fat frozen yogurt (yogen fruz) which is about 110 cal for small. Not too shabby:)

Sunday: ALL day at the pool. Summer is coming over early to pack our "picnic" lunch. Im bringing berries and veggies, water and coke zero. She said she'd bring chips and candy...BAHAHA right. at the pool no less. I am determined to wear my bikini no matter how fat i feel, because i WANT to get tanned. No questions. Summer is def. bigger than me so as bad as it sounds it helps.

Intake Today:

B: Tea and Blueberries (40 cal). + vitamins

L: 1 Avocado for lunch, with tiny piece of chicken breast for lunch. (200 cal)

S: ...haha nursing my drink on a patio:)(cal...??)
and as always heaps of water!!

OMG, so last night i went shopping despite my feeling like crap. (which by the way i feel much better:)) i bought this necklace i have wanted for a long pretty! And i bought purse for $10!! everything is on sale right now its golden! Then i got the perfect white sweater. Honestly. its what i have been looking for, for months!

So, let me take this moment to say how much i absolutely despise being at the doctor's. Like UGG. I have spent far too much time in the past years there to ever want to step foot in that office again. BUT. My mom is convinced i need to get my potassium levels checked out. I actually feel fine, i KNOW when my levels are out of wack i can feel it.
I have had a history with my electrolytes being very unstable. Which is why i need to be careful. The one in particular is potassium. I actually went into cardiac arrest and died...they revived me on the spot: in feb 08. Normals levels should be NO LOWER than 3.5. i went in at critical level of 2.6 and within an hour of treatment fell to a lethal level of 1.6: hence cardiac arrest. Doctor's said they have never seen levels this low ever, and had someone survive. (of course thats when i got thrown into the hospitals inpatient ed program for 6 months. SO. Naturally my mom would worry. To be honest, i dont ever want that to happen again either. Last summer, i let my levels get too low again (2.2) and was at emergency again with that stupid IV. (MOST PAINFUL THING YOU WILL EVER HAVE HAPPEN TO YOU IN YOUR LIFE!!)
So, making sure to keep up with vitamins and such is super important. I know alot of times I didnt actually care if i died i just wanted to be skinny. AND i WAS skinny but did die. So this time: my goal: be skinny and live=)

These things always end up being so long! But its good to get it out somewhere.

Here's to a fun sunny weekend: to getting into that bathing suite no matter what: and to being skinny and alive:)


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Silver Lining

Today my stomache feels like dying. The one good thing about feeling sick, is that i dont feel like eating, and no one expects you too:) Theres a silver lining to everything...almost.

So the rest of my birthday wasn't too bad. But it wasnt great. I did manage to pick at salads with no dressing for both lunch and dinner. It was the 3 glasses of beer that ruined my whole day. I haven't had beer though in like year so i didnt feel AS BAD...but still.

Yesterday was great...for once!!

B: Chugged back green tea (0 cal. i dont use sugar i used stevia: its healthy)and water. + vitamines

L: was a handful of romaine and red onion (35).no dressing. Coke zero in the afternoon... and for

S: i had a small romaine salad with cucumber (around 35 again)and about 40 cals worth of fish at dinner. So that brought my total to 110 cal.

I went for a 45 minute run last night, it was such a beautiful night. I felt like i could have ran forever: but then i had to pee haha.
Later i kind of binged on raw veggies though. I was hoping to not eat for the rest of the night, but at least i ate veggies and not junk food. I didnt measure or anything how much but im guessing around 100 cal. I worked out so i know i burned it off anyways. I was aiming for 200. So in all of that madness i think i did pretty good!

Today So far the Plan is:

B: 2 teaspoons of hemp hearts (70) + Vitamines + Green Tea

S, L, S: Fast. I don't feel good, so i am going to take advantage of it and fast. To be able to fast around my parents is nearly impossible!

I am going to be spending the weekend at our outdoor pool and god know i NEED to look good. SO, fasting is probably the best thing to do right now. I am going to be seeing all of my friends for my birthday weekend and i will look thin and beautiful!!

Good news!! Ribs are definitely showing more, and hips are sticking out more... BAD news: My fucking thighs. They are the LAST place i lose weight. i dont have hips so i dont need to worry about them. I lose weight quick in my mid section for the most part. my arms... they arent too far behind. BUT MY THIGHS. they feel so HUGE!!!

To Rachel:
i am so sorry to hear about your cuncussion! that is so terrible:( i hope you feel better soon! i will be looking to see the story soon! i hope you are doing well otherwise. thanks so much for your comments they mean SO MUCH:D your amazing girl<3 stay strong beautiful.

By the way, i just have to say that:
"the moment i said it"- by imogen heap is my favoritest song ever right now:)

I should get back to work. Stay strong and beautiful <3

I am gonna get them thighs back to how they should be

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Long stretches of sunshine

Happy 22 Birthday Rachel!

Honestly, i actually feel older today. I have never had that happen before. I have decided that 22 is like 19. That weird age in between being an offical adult and just an adult. Maybe I am just crazy? Haha its early.

To my new follwer- My Lovely Twin Rachel:)
Thank you so much for your comment it means so much! I just wanted to tell you that you never fail unless you give up completely. you can fall as many times as you want as long as you get back up and keep on going. I know you are seeing results so that must mean you are doing something right? You are stronger than you think! Thats why we are here too, to help you when you feel like giving up! I love how blogs bring people together like this its so cool! I am 22 today as you can see. xo.

Well, yesterday went pretty good foodwise...i drank lots of water and snacks on a few sticks of celery... then it was dinner.
The up side to dinner was that when i went to the resturant a whole bunch of my friends were waiting there to suprise me. They even had presents for me! No one buys me presents anymore, so that was super amazing...
The down side: they took me to a burger joint. I was going to order a salad but they all talked me into ordering a burger since "it was my birthday"... what does that suppossed to me? Anyways, i ended up eating every last bit of the chicken burger and french fries on the side. THEN to top it off the server brought a huge icecream sundae "on the house" while singing happy birthday. I let my friends eat it, of course they convinced me to at LEAST take a bite.
I would love to say that i let myself suffer with it and kept it down but i didnt. i purged. i felt too sick.

So far today, I've only had water, tea and half a teaspoon of flax, and loaded up on vitamins.

A bit of background:

I have had issues with eating going back 3 years or so now. I was pro ANA but the fact i used to love food so much got my parents on my case, so i was forced to turn to MIA to get rid of the fat on my body. I am 5'8 and in from August-December I went from 155 lbs (eww i know) to 115 lbs. By January I had reached 100 lbs. Of course i was forced into an ED clinic after some health problems. Ill admit i wasnt being too safe, i was really careless. I was really addicted to drugs back then, so i used it as a crutch to fill my stomach instead of food. it was easier. I have been through all those programs, and have returned to "health normal weight". I have learned alot about being healthy and i really dont want to be sick. I do however want to be thin and i want to do it better this time. Taking vitamines, eating (ABC one day but 2468 for now), exercising. I will admit, 100 lbs on my frame was a bit too skinny on me. I know that sounds crazy. I am still deciding my GW. Between 115-120. Those numbers might look HUGE to some of you, but any thinner and ill be thrown back in the clinic. WHICH i swear will NEVER happen again.

When i move to Australia, it will be easier to lose the weight and not have my parents hovering over me watching what i eat. That is one month away so for now I just have to be careful how much i lose around them. I know i know i am 22 and live at home. Its only because I am moving to Australia and they are letting me stay in their house rent-free so i can save more money. I really appriciate it too. I love my parents ps. they can be annoying as hell, but i know its because they love me.

I am currently stuck at a 130 plateau. I will admit i havent been working out as much, i get so lazy once i stop for even a day. The past week though i have been doing better and i feel much better. Today i feel thin. the nice thing about my body type is, it doesnt take long for my bones to stick out:) Hello ribs and hip bones<3

Ok. This is long so I will wrap it up for now. I am nervous for today, I am hanging out with my sister and she loves to make me eat. I am saving more calorie intake today for being with her. trust me i am going to need it. I am going to shoot for 700, man wish me luck im gonna need it!

FML!! Birthday Celebration for Rachel at work = puff wheat squares + cheesebuns + loads of butter + fruit. Fruit, no so bad. Massive cheese buns, butter and squares...effing carbs. I couldn't NOT eat it: they all watched me get my food FIRST becuase "its my birthday." According to a lot of people, your bday is the day you should be eating as much shitty food as possilbe. Anyways, i tried purging but barely got any of it out. I feel so disgusting right now. So im sort of freaking out since i still have to go out for 2 more "bday dinners" today. I am going to try skip lunch at least by using the excuse that i already ate... cuz i DID!! Fricking enough calories for the next 5 days!! Im going to stick to salads, no dressing and only eat a couple bites. Hello cardio work-out tonight!

Monday, July 5, 2010

True Colors

So i realized i dont even have the guts to write about everything on this damn blog.
I think its time i start to at least be honest with my blog. so here we go!

ive decided that i need to stop purging. eat healhy and work out...i dont know if am strong enough for ABC yet. But i am going to start restricting calories again and do 2468 instead. I need to shrink my stomache back to normal size seeing as its massive due to my epic binges and purges. Not anymore. I want to save my teeth for goodness sake!

Today so far Ive had
1 teaspoon of ground flax 60 cal
2 teaspoon of hemp hearts 100 cal
salad with cucumber and onion 100
low fat dressing 10 cal

total 270

I am working out today after work too. I am not going to eat the rest of the day until supper. i have to go out, so im not sure what i am going to be doing about that yet. we'll see. I might have to bring mia back for that one... well see. i will try my best not to!

In other news! GUESS WHO GOT AHOLD OF ME?! I will call him...Elliot. Anyways its almost been 2 years since we have broken up and i never thought i would hear from him ever again!! it is so good to hear that he is doing GOOD! he has liturally disspeared off the face of the planet! anyways i was thrilled to see the message!

I have been shopping so much lately, my mom is awesome! she has been spending all this money on new clothes! I am pretty excited about it!

This weekend foodwise was really good. Saturday i had tea, chicken soup broth and a few sips of a smoothie and that was it. Sunday we had a big turkey diner but i got away with minimal eating.

I am craving that damn stuff again. I wish i never even knew what it was like to do drugs. its seriously ruins you for any kind of fun AND it keeps your stomache feeling full. bah. anyways i dont feel like wasting more money on it, i have so much i have to get ready before i leave for auz. its not worth it! Rachel it is NOT worth it!

My birthday is tomorrow so im taking half a day off of work! I dont know what to expect tomorrow. My sister is taking me out but im hoping it doesnt include eating heaps of food. she loves her food.

hmm i think its time for some more green tea