In light of epic failure

So my liquid fast was a FAIL. To put it lightly.
I was doing so good too! I came home and did my tae boe video thanks to billy blanks and burned a shitload of calories. I also did a tonne of abs and leg exercises. I didn't even go upstairs to tempt myself to go in the kitchen: i cleaned my room for over an hour. Its when i went to go upstairs to see what my mom was watching on TV that it all started to crumble. My parents were going out for dinner that night (hense fasting). But before they went, they wanted to make sure i was eating. So they made me make food in front of them. I just heated up some vegetable soup which i was only going to sip until they left...But they continued to watch: SO i had to eat the whole thing (it was FULL of potatoes and noodles and stuff). Wrong move. This lead to an epic binge: i cannot remember the last time i binged that bad. I wasnt even hungry... you know that thing that just goes off inside you, and its like once your body says its going to binge there is just no choice. Lots of bread, cereal, peanut butter,special k bars, candy, oh who knows? you know its bad when you dont even know how much and of what you just ate. FML. Purged, purged oh i most definitely purged. I feel so ashamed i should have just ate the soup and walked away.Its hard to actually write this down honestly, but it would defeat the point of a blog if i wasnt honest. Plus if i see it written down it will give me more motivation to get to my goals and STOP B/P.




Of course now, i am in the middle of a cracker binge. Who the hell brings a massive box of crackers in for the bulimic girl? really? i hate falling like this because its SO HARD to recover from. I was doing so well with not binging on shit. BINGE ON VEGGIES if you have to Rachel.Restricting right now, is all i can do. Since im trying to get rid of mia i cannot feel full or else i WILL purge. Just habbit. Besides, Ana is much more gracious: all of it sucks but i hate mia. its been 4 years too long. Mia. You're a bitch.


Anyways besides my epic fail, this weekend IS going to be better. I am going to sleep in, and i am going to work out. I am broke but if i go shopping with my mom she will buy me stuff:) Tonight is my ice cream party: dont even wanna think about that... or fatburger tomorrow. Im going to the movies to see Despicible Me. It looks funny.(i just watched the trailer for Inception and it looks so crazy i wanna see it now) This is the last weekend of the Street Preformers Festival, so if its not raining (which is currently has been doing NON STOP for the past oh i don't know 2 =3 months) i wanna go. With who? I really don't know.

Today i miss raving again. I miss being a kandi kid, the people, the music, the y (our afterhours club), all of it. I miss my nights starting at 1 am coming out of the club after the sun has already come up. I miss sketchy sundays and ravers picnics. I miss flaily saturdays. I miss Motion Notion and Astral Harvest (2 of my favorite music festivals). I miss being able to do what i want to do when i wanted to. So many people i know in the scene have been getting out of it recently. WHICH i am so happy for because in reality as fun as it is: its a lifestyle that doesnt need to exceed a year or two. Life must go on. its too easy to be stuck there for life, and its getting to that point where we just gotta move on and grow up. AND so it reaches that time.

Ps. I just wanted to say thank you to Megan for your comment and for following! It means so much to me!! <3

Here's to the weekend!
Peace. Love. Unity. Respect...and sparkly neon stars