the.balancing.act...

First of all, i wanted to say Hi to my new follewrs!! 21! Thats so crazy:) Thank you for you lovely people that actually take the time to read and comment on my blog. I really look forward to it as one of the highlights of my day (bhaha that sounds lame but its true). you ladies are amazing thank you!!!

Last night, during dinner guess what i did? I CHIPPED MY TOOTH on my fork!! Its not like a little one either, its like a huge chunck off one of my teeth close to the front of my mouth!! its like really noticable! I am like FREAKING out. I know it happened because my teeth are weak from mia....UGGG. Obviously my vitamins can only do so much after so long...

So its offically super uncomfortable to sit anywhere for long than like 1 minutes without changing positions. i have bruises all over me that last forever from nothing. ALL of my clothes i am swimming in: i put on a pair of my tight booty shorts and they don't even stay up. like a month ago i was bursting out of them! the racing fluttery heart rate is back. its been 2 years since my last period. i dont make it through the day without those dizzy spells that make you feel high. its getting harder to excercise, i physically can barely run 20 mins now.i am exhausted all the time. i am freezing cold all the time. purging is as effortless as swollowing, i have lost a shit load of hair. every single one of my ribs in plainly visible. my hip bones look like they are going to peirce threw my skin... and still... i look at that number... 121 lbs BMI 18.4 and think NO. I still see that as fat! Half of these things terrify me and the other half exicte me. I feel like im on the other side of things now: the ugly side... its like when i first started out with this shit i felt so in control and powerful. Half of that feeling of power comes from keeping it hidden. My family knows everything about mia and i, and everything else. I am fooling no one and i even know it!BUT i just can't stop!

Sorry for the gloomy rant, i just have to get it out. Chipping my tooth last night really sent me into like panic mode.

Anyways. Last night I made muffins. I did really well, at first. I didnt eat any. But then by the end of the night I ate like 3. For supper i ate heaps of veggies and lean turkey skewers. I made my sister nachos, and then made my dad popcorn. i snacked on their snacks too. why do i do that to myself anyways? i make food to tempt me to eat it.
I went out for tea with A last night, and he offered to buy me a pastry and i said no. Thankfully i had self control at least once last night.

On a side note: MAN do i ever miss A. I have known him for 10 years now and we have been friends and through SO MUCH over the years. we were like best guyfriend/girlfriend for 8 years then we dated. I have dated other guys but i have only really loved A. Like there is no one else like him and i still think that... But mia and my lifestyle at the time took over, and i ended up doing the worst thing you could ever do to someone you LOVE: I got super drunk and cheated on him:S things fell apart after that and we broke up. We didnt see eachother for a full almost 2 years after that. But i went and got help for my shit and he moved on. He was dating this other girl all of last year. Whenever i would see his facebook status as "in a relationship" it always cut deep because i wanted that girl to be me. we had connected last year once after i came home from rehab and he told me that he had forgiven me for everything and wasnt mad anymore. It was such a cool moment! Anyways, this past April a close friend of ours died. Her death is what brough us back into eachother lives. Since she died, we have been hanging out again, just having fun! Bah, he is so amazing, its so hard because we are finally reconnecting and im leaving! I have no idea whats going to happen!

Tomorrow, i plan will to be a fast day. I just need to get the past few days out of my system and being pumping my body with healthy nurishing food again. For the next while, im not going to worry about calories, as long as its good food like fruits and veggies and lean protien going in, we are all good:)

I am taking tomorrow off of work, which i am thrilled about! I plan to get some packing done, and then off to the capital x. Jade's foot is feeling better so she said she can go now! im really excited how things are actually working out! i haven seen her in like a month so yeayy! im visiting her tonight with my hippie friend. hope he doesnt mention this weekend to jade: how him and i were a swacky mess most of sunday afternoon together. Tonight, i really want to roll... like really. If i do, i will be exhausted for tomorrow...but then i can just roll again? No, i don't have enough.

I have to be honest here on blogger, although man is it ever painful sometimes to read this stuff. Is this really me? Enough of my emotions!! This is going to be a fun and fabulous weekend! I will get to my goal weight of 118 and i will stay there and LOVE IT:) Oh, and no more graham crackers: im just saying.

stay strong and beautiful lovely ladies!! ive been reading your blogs and you're all doing so well im so proud you girls!! keep it up<3

xxo.