Oh, You're so Exquisite

(LONG POST WARNING)
So, it is officially time to stop messing around with my life. The past 5 or 6 days have been a huge blurr (liturally in some parts), and have really got me looking at myself and what the hell i have become. Here's what happened:

So, when i get below 128 lbs my mind start effing around with me. I got below my goal weight and it turned into hell. Hands down i get depressed suddenly, i hate life, i have no energy nothing. AND when im below that i have like a NEED to be high: all the time.(when im healthy i have NO desire to do drugs and escape) I spent Wednesday night in a k-hole. Thursday night, i went to visit Jade, and we were off to visit my hippie friend. Spent the whole visit there in a k-hole some more: i had to take the bus home and i HATE taking the bus home like that. Got home, and after the high wears off im just spacey as well. Its like my body is there, but my mind in blank. numb. switched off. i just sit there staring into nothingness thinking chaos but its like i cant respond to my thoughts with any feelings or actions or words. Just nothing. SO Thursday night, i dropped and the moment i did i regreted it. Turns out the pills were shit anyways but it only made the utter empty nothingness void even bigger. I spent hours just staring at myself in the mirror trying to connect to the person staring back blankly at me. Looking at my body, i could see so many bones and i absolutely HATED it. No shape. No figure. Just bones. I suddenly fell asleep. Friday, i planned to pack for my trip. But instead half the day was spent binging and purging until i had nothing left to eat. Then i did more drugs, which got me pretty swacked for a little while, but i had run out. AGAIN. I was hollow. I found myself trying to hide my frail figure so Jade wouldnt notice. I left sketchy and met my hippie friend at a cafe: where my mind was finally starting to connect to things again. BUT he pulled out his stuff and here i go again. Just enough to get me scattered as hell, before i have to meet Jade. I meet her, and we end up back at the hippie's house. Guess what happened? I got so fucked up. We all did. My friend S had planned a suprise night for me which she was so excited for. She was going to pick us up at 10:30. So what do Jade and I do when we go back to her place high as hell? WE DO MORE... then...More...suddenly i feel clear. My vision isnt blurred anymore but my mind cannot put together more than one thought at a time. If you were to try have a conversation with me during this time i wouldnt be able to focus long enough to understand what you were saying THEN actually talk to you without slurring my speech so bad you couldnt understand me anyways. The bar was a complete disaster. I dont even know what happened the whole time, i was so disconnected. My friends caught Jade but not me. THANK GOD. I dont even AH! They dropped me off and i just sat there in my room. Awake. No tingling sensation. No rush. No euphora. Nothing. Me and my bones. Numb. Cold. Nothing.
Saturday i woke up and finished off my shit from the night before. The whole day i sat on my couch thinking of how much i hated myself and how i am hurting my family and friends, how much i miss being with Jesus: without feeling, or acting. Just a wide empty space in my mind and my soul: I honestly didnt even feel real, or even remotely alive. Real People FEEL. Real People CRY. Real People get ANGRY. Real People SMILE. Not me. I was a blurry, hazy, fucked up spacey mess.

FINALLY my mom came home and honestly it felt SOOO good to have her hold me. We went for dinner and i told her how i just hated myself these days and how much ive been struggling. We had SUCH a good talk and i decided Saturday night eating my chicken and french fries and ice cream sundae: That THIS LIFE is going to be worth living again.

Since then, I have gained quite a bit of weight back. Since i struggle with Mia my weight JUMPS up and down dirastically. (i can loose 10 lbs in a week: just as easily gain 10 lbs in 2 days). I have been 3 days purge free: today i had a slip but i will keep on going strong and not let myself be condemned or ashamed. Sunday was a free day where, I enjoyed stir fry, french fries, cake, and pizza without freaking out, and without purging. I still am eating healthy, but enough to nourish my body. I feel so much better, and I feel myself again. Right now its about being healthy, not being stick thin. Its time to get these teeth strong, hair full again, skin glowing and muscles back!!

I did something crazy (to me at least) on Monday. I have always had long hair my whole life and its been a huge part of who i am. My hair was past half way down my back and I cut it off up to my jaw line and i ABSOLUTELY love it!! i feel like im a brand new person!! Its such a FREEING feeling. It was something I had to do for myself to say: This is it. The Old Rachel is gone, its time for something new.

I am going to be moving to Australia in 5 days. I will be a leader there in a Missions School, and I want to set a GOOD example for young people to follow. I want them to look at me and see someone who is balanced and stable: someone who is healthy and happy and someone who LOVES the Lord and will not compromise her beliefs. I have compromised for too long. I have bought into the lie that i am worthless if im not bone thin. Truth be told: when im bone thin i am so misreible i spent all my time wanting to die and not live. I cant even do the things i want to do because i have no focus or energy to do them. No one once told me i was beautiful when i was super thin. When im like that, my relationships with the people I love are always stressed and messed up. Its not worth it to live a lie, trying to pretend like im somebody im not. I have been through this cycle round and round for years now and I have expierenced ENOUGH. It is so not worth it: the self hate, the depression, the institutions, the hopsitals, the obessions, the sickness. I HATE how i am when im obessed with food and drugs. I hate that i turn into a monster: I become this fake person: doing anything she can to stop people from seeing the pain inside.

You know I have known all along, that Jesus is there waiting for me. That he made me beautiful and perfect: that he loves me no matter what i do or how i look: That im not valueable because of what i do, but because of who He is. The past few days, I have finally been spending time with him, and i feel so renewed and restored. He doesnt condemn me, but accepts me wherever im at and wants to be with me. Why do i always run away and look for love and acceptance and fulfillment in places that leave me empty. Only he can take away the pain and the shame and the self hatred. Only he can take away my desire to purge and do drugs! And I am determined to do whatever it takes to grab ahold of that freedom he died for me to have. I don't feel condemned or ashamed of what i have done, even in the past few days. he has forgiven me and made me new.:) I feel so peaceful and happy and light. EVEN though i messed up today.

Today: I choose life. I choose truth. I choose joy. I choose peace. I choose real love. I choose Jesus.

Ladies, please do not think for one moment that I judge any one of you for a second. You are all so beautiful, and I am so glad that I have met you all via blogger. You have been such inspirations to me in so many different ways and have helped me more than you realize. I hope you can all achieve your goals and be healthy and whole, and enjoy your life at the same time with the people you love. I'll still be around blogger:) No worries!

Love

Here are the Lyrics to my "Pick me up get me going song"
Blisters and Coffee

A showdown at dusk,
This old town is lost,
I'm flat on my back
And I can't see through the dust.

But you never told me that I was worthy,
You didn't let me live just to hurt me.

Desperate
We will lift up our hands.
Stronger
We will rise up against.
Freedom
Is a part of us all
its time to let it go.
Desperate
We will lift up our hands.
Stronger
We will rise up against.
Freedom
Is a part of us all
its time to let it go.

What happens now when I walk out of town?
And the enemy surrounds me bent on hunting me down?
I'll be moving silent while the enemy sleeps,
I'll show no mercy like the first time when they came after me.

You'll never catch me.
You'll never own me.
Out on this lonely landscape I am free

I guess we figured it out.
One by one we're picking them off.

Desperate
We will lift up our hands.
Stronger
We will rise up against.
Freedom
It's a part of us all
It's time to let it go.
Desperate
We will lift up our hands.
Stronger
We will rise up against.
Freedom
It's a part of us all
It's time to let it go.