but here in your arms

whats been on mind lately? chaos. complete and utter chaos. i havent been able to sleep the past few nights, my mind wont shut up!! Everything in me is screaming to be my old self... back into all my old habbits. embrace it and live with it. i have this like intense self-hatred looming in the back of my head the past few days. its like in my mind, i have been searching for a place where i am happy... and i cannot find out. you know it doesnt matter where on earthyou are: as long as im there in my thinking, it can still be hell.
I dont have a scale... im really curious how much i weigh. none of my clothes fit me so that must mean im doing ok? its funny, when i try to lose weight i never do, but when i dont think about it and just live my life, thats when i end up dropping the pounds then suddenly im like "oh, im freezing cold all the time, none of my clothes fit me and i have no energy..." how did it even happen? again?
sorry this is kinda depressing but its a rainy day. so. whatever. haha i ate a chicken, cheese and gaucamolie toastie and a regular coffee today. i dont even really care how many calories or fat are in it. i havent eaten real food really in like a week. So my body needs some energy. I am going to the fruit barn today which is a place to buy super cheap fruits and veggies:) im really excited!!
ANYWAYS i best be off, ill update maybe when im feeling better. oh blog how it sucks to see sad thoughts once again. one day at a time!
xxo