Sunday, August 22, 2010

but here in your arms

whats been on mind lately? chaos. complete and utter chaos. i havent been able to sleep the past few nights, my mind wont shut up!! Everything in me is screaming to be my old self... back into all my old habbits. embrace it and live with it. i have this like intense self-hatred looming in the back of my head the past few days. its like in my mind, i have been searching for a place where i am happy... and i cannot find out. you know it doesnt matter where on earthyou are: as long as im there in my thinking, it can still be hell.
I dont have a scale... im really curious how much i weigh. none of my clothes fit me so that must mean im doing ok? its funny, when i try to lose weight i never do, but when i dont think about it and just live my life, thats when i end up dropping the pounds then suddenly im like "oh, im freezing cold all the time, none of my clothes fit me and i have no energy..." how did it even happen? again?
sorry this is kinda depressing but its a rainy day. so. whatever. haha i ate a chicken, cheese and gaucamolie toastie and a regular coffee today. i dont even really care how many calories or fat are in it. i havent eaten real food really in like a week. So my body needs some energy. I am going to the fruit barn today which is a place to buy super cheap fruits and veggies:) im really excited!!
ANYWAYS i best be off, ill update maybe when im feeling better. oh blog how it sucks to see sad thoughts once again. one day at a time!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

destination paradise

i finally made it to pardadise! Its winter right now, so its not exactly paradise at the moment. but no worries, spring is just around the corner. my internet hasnt been working the past couple weeks annoyingly enough. i come on the blog and i have so much to catch up on its rediculious! i dont imagine i will be able to read all of the ones ive missed. i am incredibly busy here, everything is in full swing getting ready for the september school to start.
foodwise, def. not perefect. airport days are the worst i get so anxious and ended up binge/puring heaps. Being here though i have been good with buying my own food and eating healthy, small portions when i want to. i havent excerised once since i been here yet... im too busy. but i need to make time!
i hope you ladies are doing amazing and reaching your goals and staying beautiful! all my love is with you! ill update more later, im off to play with 70 screaming children! good times
peace and love

Friday, August 6, 2010

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I have to make this quick but FIRST OF ALL: Thank you SO MUCH girls for your comments about my photos! you have absolutely NO IDEA how much those mean to me! like you all made my WEEK! your amazing and i love you all so much!

This is my last post before i leave for Australia! So stay strong and beautiful and i will be back when im in paradise <3


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Everlasting Pictures Right Through Infinity

I thought it would be fun to actually post a couple pictures of myself up on this thing so you can know my face, when you get a comment from me, or read my blog:) So i decided what better way to do it then to do a "Before and After" with my hair. So lovelies. Here I am:)

My Hair BEFORE: (im the one in the pic with the "long hair" haha)

This one is from a month ago or so and is a bit blurry but you get the picture!

haah this is such an awful picture of ALL of us. (UG from Friday night). Just a pic to show you my long hair:)

(please excuse my faces and just look at the hair please haha)

A couple Random Photos for fun!

Jade, my lovely friend who recently graduated from rehab and myself:)

...look you can see part of my star tattoo:)

Glitter Sparkles in those Eyes

25 Followers!!! Thank you beautiful ladies:D You just are so encouraging and inspiring. Thank you for all your wonderful comments, especially in reguards to the past few posts, which have been rather intense. Its so amazing to have such understanding, and kind words said: even though you all have your dark moment and hidden places too. I love how this a place to reach out to someone who cares and understands. Im just thrilled:)

I have to start off by saying "I AM SO FREAKING EXICTIED TO GO TO AUSTRALIA!!"

4 more days until paradise!!!

I have been home for 5 months already, and it feels like yesterday i got here. Last night, i went shopping with Summer and i bought a crapload more stuff for my trip.

Just small things like hair ties, a new brush, MAC "esstenails" as i call it...ect.. I wish it wasnt so damn expensive, but honestly, once you go MAC you can't go back haha. I tried to find a convertor so i can use my $300 straightner there, but i cant find one that will support the voltage. Rubbish I say! Half the people on the base back in the Gold Coast are originally from Canada so they are all asking me to bring them their fav. Canadian goodies: im excited to buy it for them but BOY does it add up $$.
We seriously RAN around the mall. West Edmonton Mall at one time was the biggest mall in the world, i dont know if it is anymore. So I def. got some excercise last at the mall. I had already done 30 mins on the eliptical + abs, leg lifts, push ups after work. OH and i showered for the first time with my new hair, AND IT FEELS SO WEIRD! i just had to throw that out there.
After our mall sprint, we went to Moxie's for supper at like 8:30pm. I usually eat at like 4:30-5:00 so i was starving. We shared sweet potato fries and i had a salmon salad (no dressing). It was lovely.

Last night when i got home I watched SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE. Oh my goodness that show just gets me every time! I miss dancing SO Much!! They had this one dance at the end of the show, and it was about 2 best friends, then one stabs the other in the back: and its shows them fighting,in pain, after being so close. Then finally just walking away. MAN i like cried, it was SO moving. Im pretty sure we all of have had that happen before and the dance protrayed it SO well. Bah, i wanna do that so bad. Create peices that show real life pain and struggles. Things that reach into a persons pain and touches them: that help them feel for just a moment that they are not alone. Anyways...yeah:)

Today, I am trying to sort out heaps of stuff i still need to do before i leave, balancing that with seeing all of my friends, and spending time with my family. Tricky business. Still wish my mom was here for everything, she always knows what to do and remembers things i never do. Oh well. Im going to get my tooth fixed today:) yeay for no more chipped tooth. Im used to feeling it on tongue now, but still it doesnt look pretty at all! Im going for "drinks" with D tonight. Im gonna miss her. But i hope me going to the dentist doesnt spoil our plan... it shouldnt? I hope it doesnt take too long either! I EFFING HATE the dentist..*shivers*

Oh; Ok. I need a moment to write down my feelings... my feelings for a certian finnish boy R. So, i have mentioned him before, but in a nutshell. We were like so into eachother when were in the Gold Coast last year, but when we both went home, and we skyped, bah he was terrible at it and all this stuff happened. You know if its real if you still want to be with someone after the "honeymoon stage and warm fuzzy feelings" have gone. Nothing like being a world away from eachother with a guy who cant even hardly speak english to do that for you. So anyways after a shitlod of drama i was like forget it! i dont want to be with you. i hate skype and dating on it! So we agreed we didnt wanna try for a relationship and let it go. It felt SO much better afterwards because if we missed our skype chat time, or didnt talk for 2 weeks it wasnt a big deal. And thats how its been lately. Just chatting as friends whenever we can with no expectatons. But lately: I have been missing him. A LOT. Like i have been thinking about him all throughout the day. When i talk to him, its like WOW i forgot how utterly attractive you are boy! Bah, i suddenly have all these feelings for him again. I am like suddenly so excited to see him. He is also moving to the Gold Coast on the same base as me. So we will be living in Oz together:) We'll see how it works. He's not getting there until September yet. He's still all the way in Finland.

So this post is a whole heap of nothing too special. Just chattering to myself. I will be off to munch on my ricecake, and make a few more phone calls. SO MUCH TO DO!

Peace and LOVE!

Enjoy your day lovely ladies! Stay strong, beautiful and healthy<3

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Oh, You're so Exquisite

So, it is officially time to stop messing around with my life. The past 5 or 6 days have been a huge blurr (liturally in some parts), and have really got me looking at myself and what the hell i have become. Here's what happened:

So, when i get below 128 lbs my mind start effing around with me. I got below my goal weight and it turned into hell. Hands down i get depressed suddenly, i hate life, i have no energy nothing. AND when im below that i have like a NEED to be high: all the time.(when im healthy i have NO desire to do drugs and escape) I spent Wednesday night in a k-hole. Thursday night, i went to visit Jade, and we were off to visit my hippie friend. Spent the whole visit there in a k-hole some more: i had to take the bus home and i HATE taking the bus home like that. Got home, and after the high wears off im just spacey as well. Its like my body is there, but my mind in blank. numb. switched off. i just sit there staring into nothingness thinking chaos but its like i cant respond to my thoughts with any feelings or actions or words. Just nothing. SO Thursday night, i dropped and the moment i did i regreted it. Turns out the pills were shit anyways but it only made the utter empty nothingness void even bigger. I spent hours just staring at myself in the mirror trying to connect to the person staring back blankly at me. Looking at my body, i could see so many bones and i absolutely HATED it. No shape. No figure. Just bones. I suddenly fell asleep. Friday, i planned to pack for my trip. But instead half the day was spent binging and purging until i had nothing left to eat. Then i did more drugs, which got me pretty swacked for a little while, but i had run out. AGAIN. I was hollow. I found myself trying to hide my frail figure so Jade wouldnt notice. I left sketchy and met my hippie friend at a cafe: where my mind was finally starting to connect to things again. BUT he pulled out his stuff and here i go again. Just enough to get me scattered as hell, before i have to meet Jade. I meet her, and we end up back at the hippie's house. Guess what happened? I got so fucked up. We all did. My friend S had planned a suprise night for me which she was so excited for. She was going to pick us up at 10:30. So what do Jade and I do when we go back to her place high as hell? WE DO MORE... then...More...suddenly i feel clear. My vision isnt blurred anymore but my mind cannot put together more than one thought at a time. If you were to try have a conversation with me during this time i wouldnt be able to focus long enough to understand what you were saying THEN actually talk to you without slurring my speech so bad you couldnt understand me anyways. The bar was a complete disaster. I dont even know what happened the whole time, i was so disconnected. My friends caught Jade but not me. THANK GOD. I dont even AH! They dropped me off and i just sat there in my room. Awake. No tingling sensation. No rush. No euphora. Nothing. Me and my bones. Numb. Cold. Nothing.
Saturday i woke up and finished off my shit from the night before. The whole day i sat on my couch thinking of how much i hated myself and how i am hurting my family and friends, how much i miss being with Jesus: without feeling, or acting. Just a wide empty space in my mind and my soul: I honestly didnt even feel real, or even remotely alive. Real People FEEL. Real People CRY. Real People get ANGRY. Real People SMILE. Not me. I was a blurry, hazy, fucked up spacey mess.

FINALLY my mom came home and honestly it felt SOOO good to have her hold me. We went for dinner and i told her how i just hated myself these days and how much ive been struggling. We had SUCH a good talk and i decided Saturday night eating my chicken and french fries and ice cream sundae: That THIS LIFE is going to be worth living again.

Since then, I have gained quite a bit of weight back. Since i struggle with Mia my weight JUMPS up and down dirastically. (i can loose 10 lbs in a week: just as easily gain 10 lbs in 2 days). I have been 3 days purge free: today i had a slip but i will keep on going strong and not let myself be condemned or ashamed. Sunday was a free day where, I enjoyed stir fry, french fries, cake, and pizza without freaking out, and without purging. I still am eating healthy, but enough to nourish my body. I feel so much better, and I feel myself again. Right now its about being healthy, not being stick thin. Its time to get these teeth strong, hair full again, skin glowing and muscles back!!

I did something crazy (to me at least) on Monday. I have always had long hair my whole life and its been a huge part of who i am. My hair was past half way down my back and I cut it off up to my jaw line and i ABSOLUTELY love it!! i feel like im a brand new person!! Its such a FREEING feeling. It was something I had to do for myself to say: This is it. The Old Rachel is gone, its time for something new.

I am going to be moving to Australia in 5 days. I will be a leader there in a Missions School, and I want to set a GOOD example for young people to follow. I want them to look at me and see someone who is balanced and stable: someone who is healthy and happy and someone who LOVES the Lord and will not compromise her beliefs. I have compromised for too long. I have bought into the lie that i am worthless if im not bone thin. Truth be told: when im bone thin i am so misreible i spent all my time wanting to die and not live. I cant even do the things i want to do because i have no focus or energy to do them. No one once told me i was beautiful when i was super thin. When im like that, my relationships with the people I love are always stressed and messed up. Its not worth it to live a lie, trying to pretend like im somebody im not. I have been through this cycle round and round for years now and I have expierenced ENOUGH. It is so not worth it: the self hate, the depression, the institutions, the hopsitals, the obessions, the sickness. I HATE how i am when im obessed with food and drugs. I hate that i turn into a monster: I become this fake person: doing anything she can to stop people from seeing the pain inside.

You know I have known all along, that Jesus is there waiting for me. That he made me beautiful and perfect: that he loves me no matter what i do or how i look: That im not valueable because of what i do, but because of who He is. The past few days, I have finally been spending time with him, and i feel so renewed and restored. He doesnt condemn me, but accepts me wherever im at and wants to be with me. Why do i always run away and look for love and acceptance and fulfillment in places that leave me empty. Only he can take away the pain and the shame and the self hatred. Only he can take away my desire to purge and do drugs! And I am determined to do whatever it takes to grab ahold of that freedom he died for me to have. I don't feel condemned or ashamed of what i have done, even in the past few days. he has forgiven me and made me new.:) I feel so peaceful and happy and light. EVEN though i messed up today.

Today: I choose life. I choose truth. I choose joy. I choose peace. I choose real love. I choose Jesus.

Ladies, please do not think for one moment that I judge any one of you for a second. You are all so beautiful, and I am so glad that I have met you all via blogger. You have been such inspirations to me in so many different ways and have helped me more than you realize. I hope you can all achieve your goals and be healthy and whole, and enjoy your life at the same time with the people you love. I'll still be around blogger:) No worries!


Here are the Lyrics to my "Pick me up get me going song"

Blisters and Coffee

A showdown at dusk,
This old town is lost,
I'm flat on my back
And I can't see through the dust.

But you never told me that I was worthy,
You didn't let me live just to hurt me.

We will lift up our hands.
We will rise up against.
Is a part of us all
its time to let it go.
We will lift up our hands.
We will rise up against.
Is a part of us all
its time to let it go.

What happens now when I walk out of town?
And the enemy surrounds me bent on hunting me down?
I'll be moving silent while the enemy sleeps,
I'll show no mercy like the first time when they came after me.

You'll never catch me.
You'll never own me.
Out on this lonely landscape I am free

I guess we figured it out.
One by one we're picking them off.

We will lift up our hands.
We will rise up against.
It's a part of us all
It's time to let it go.
We will lift up our hands.
We will rise up against.
It's a part of us all
It's time to let it go.