Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Who can resist distant beauty?

Hello Blog!

For once, I am not ashamed to write down what i ate so far.
This is a first in a very long time.

Breakfast: Large Coffee with a TINY bit of skim milk
(10 cal at most) and splenda.
*You know i never really liked black coffee, and now i guess im forcing myself
to enjoy it, to be a filler. As long as i have sweetner im okay.

Lunch: Diet Dr. Pepper
and went for a nice one hour walk. I get 1 hour lunch breaks
so i might as well do something with them!

Nate has seemed to be distant from me lately... hmmm. i guess ill find out soon enough whats going on. we are hanging out on saturday. OH! speaking of saturday! Im going to Vancouver to visist my sister!!! Saturday night to Tuesday night for may long weekend. I am a mix of absolutely thrilled and terrified. My sister watches me like a hawk i will not be able to get away with ONE THING aroud her. SO i am giong to have to do my best at restricting and praying that i don't gain too much weight in 3 days! At least we walk everywhere... shes all about walking all day for hours to get places. I also am a fan. I think ill manage. I really love my sis so i dont want it to ruin having fun!

Tonight im going to see Bridesmaids.. heard its funny... hope so. Oh and you know what that means dont you? Movie popcorn!!! the friend im going with ALWAYS gets it and expects me to as i want to go one day without mia and i feel like this will ruin that. well see:) ill just get yogurt instaed!

Anyways thank you to my new followers, you girls are simply beautiful and amazing!
Stay Strong!


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Its all in the way you lie

What a crazy weekend! Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into all these situations.. but apparently i do, and i somehow choose my way there. I don't even know where to start. There was so much drama on the clinic this weekend it made me want to run away and never go back. A bunch of people got busted for using drugs on the unit and got kicked out... bah. i don't even want to think about all the shit that went down... shivers...

SO, i still have no idea of how much i weigh and its driving me absolutely crazy!! The last time i checked it, I was 129 lbs... just 5 or 6 more lbs and ill be happy! Unfortunately the hospital is kind of on my back with dropping the weight. They want me to take more time off off of work to spend more time there... dream on! Im just finally getting a life again.. now they want me back there?

Things with Nate aren't going as well as id hoped. I mean i like him, hes a sweet guy, but he is very troubled. And i dont need another person in my life who is just as troubled as i am.. or at least a boyfriend who is. So now i have to break the news to him that I cant be what he wants me to be (his girl). WE just confessed our feelings for eachother at his cousins birthday party... but i really realized that if i want whats best for me it cant be him. Its funny how i can do the right thing in some areas of my life, but when it comes to areas like taking care of my body... im not as on the ball with that.

How am I doing foodwise today... lets not go there. Lets just put it this way. Its 10:30 am and ive had more calories than i need in 3 days.

Stay strong ladies

Friday, May 6, 2011

Taste and see...don't eat

Ah that feeling of pure empty... having been with mia for so long
sometimes i forget that feeling. I spend so much time filling the whole instead of just savoring it...

This morning. I ate nothing. I drank black coffee and thats it. Unfortunately i could not refrain from eating my whole lunch. Bah i need to just throw it out right when i get to work so i don't get tempted. I ate it all at once and purged it. But i didn't go on a drive at lunch to binge... thats a first. Just sat in the back with my diet soda playing with my sext new white iphone 4!! Ps. i just wanted to say that Davey Havok is the sexiest man alive!!! mmmm.

So this weekend. AH, my friend wants to go for dinner tonight. She obviously doesnt know im in an eating disorder program where i am forced to eat every night at the hospital. Since i have too much pride to tell her i am going to eat at the hospital, get rid of that and figure something out for my "second" dinner. Gag me... liturally.

Im going for drinks with Nate tomorrow afternoon... well see how that works out. And im supposed to go for drinks with this other guy... haah i sound like such a player.. drinks with all these guys in the same day! Im intrested in Nate! Not Austin. He's a friend. We will clear that up! Im going bowling Saturday night hopefully, and going to see Nate Spin at the afterhours club! (fingers crossed)

MY Dearest Rachel: It is so good to hear from you again. IN answer to your question. Yep. Ill be sticking around for a while. Things have been rough since Michelle died. thank you for being here. You. ARE> AMAZING!!

Crina- Perfecting My Emptiness... Your comment made my day! Thank you so much for your support! I look forward to getting to know you on your journey! Know that I will always be here for you as well supporting you in what you want and your goals!! Ps. you are so beautiful!!! I love your profile picture!!!!

I will update more later...


Thursday, May 5, 2011

...where's your head at?

Hello blog!

It has certianly been a while, I pretty ditched the thought of writing my true feelings down. But im realizing that can really only last so long! I gotta get re-used to doing this thing every day! It helps me keep connected to myself... Im starting to lose touch! Or maybe cuz i dont actually want to come face to face with what is going on in my life...

So. Ever since michelle died, i havent been the same. Its like this fog has come over me and all i see is a haze. I just don't care too much for anything thats good for me these days. Although i continue to do what i need to do, just cuz i should. One of the only things keeping me going is my amazing job! Im a recptionst for a building suddply company. Its awesome money and killer benefits!

I dont feel like being at the hospital right now: why? well first of all who LIKES being at the hospital? But really? Because I dont feel like I want to give up my eating disorder... better yet i dont know if im ready to give up being thin. I also don't feel like i belong there with all the really thin girls there... i almost feel like i want to feel like i have to deserve to be there. Right now i can live with what im donig. Breakfast and Lunch on my own during the week and do supper at the hospital. My mom comes with me so i can leave right away...

I never get to see what i weigh its driving me nuts!! The last time i checked i was not too thrilled. I feel like for how hard i've been trying, i should have lost more weight by now!! I was 58.9 kg which is 129.5 which is basically 130lbs! BAh i cant ever get past that point! I want to get to 118...120 tops! If i stay there I will be happy and they will leave me alone...

On to happier things. I have started hanging out with a guy i went to high school with.(call him nate) He works on Whyte so i've gone the past few weekends and spent the day in the store with him chatting and listing to records. (he works in a record/clothing store). It has been a long time since i've really had feeligs for anyone. You know that whole: you cant stop thinking about them when they arent around, and every one you see you think its them? Every text you are hoping it "him". Yup thats me! We are going to this cafe we went to last weekend on saturday. We had wine and talked:) it was lovely. He is also a and oh did i mention so is he?

So i booked time to go to Finland this summer to see Markus. I know he is in love with me and wants to win my heart and marry me! i feel kind of bad for crushing on nate but at the same time i dont! Im not dating him and i am having fun!:) well just see where things go either way. I dont want super serious right now. I have enough of that in my life.

Tomorrow im going to NOT binge. Oh my life they are getting bigger and longer and more expensive! last cheque i spent like $500 in a week!*shudders* I really need to get to know ana again. or just give it up... hahaha.

Tomorrow I am planning on fasting with diet soda only until supper. I have to eat at the hospital...its about 800 calories ALL at once... ugh i know! but at least thats all i have to eat for the day... and most likely i wont keep it down anyways.

Well thats enough of that! I need to get back to work! Blog i promise we shall meet again! Miss you lovely ladies! Hope your doing great!