...where's your head at?

Hello blog!

It has certianly been a while, I pretty ditched the thought of writing my true feelings down. But im realizing that can really only last so long! I gotta get re-used to doing this thing every day! It helps me keep connected to myself... Im starting to lose touch! Or maybe cuz i dont actually want to come face to face with what is going on in my life...

So. Ever since michelle died, i havent been the same. Its like this fog has come over me and all i see is a haze. I just don't care too much for anything thats good for me these days. Although i continue to do what i need to do, just cuz i should. One of the only things keeping me going is my amazing job! Im a recptionst for a building suddply company. Its awesome money and killer benefits!

I dont feel like being at the hospital right now: why? well first of all who LIKES being at the hospital? But really? Because I dont feel like I want to give up my eating disorder... better yet i dont know if im ready to give up being thin. I also don't feel like i belong there with all the really thin girls there... i almost feel like i want to feel like i have to deserve to be there. Right now i can live with what im donig. Breakfast and Lunch on my own during the week and do supper at the hospital. My mom comes with me so i can leave right away...

I never get to see what i weigh its driving me nuts!! The last time i checked i was not too thrilled. I feel like for how hard i've been trying, i should have lost more weight by now!! I was 58.9 kg which is 129.5 which is basically 130lbs! BAh i cant ever get past that point! I want to get to 118...120 tops! If i stay there I will be happy and they will leave me alone...

On to happier things. I have started hanging out with a guy i went to high school with.(call him nate) He works on Whyte so i've gone the past few weekends and spent the day in the store with him chatting and listing to records. (he works in a record/clothing store). It has been a long time since i've really had feeligs for anyone. You know that whole: you cant stop thinking about them when they arent around, and every one you see you think its them? Every text you are hoping it "him". Yup thats me! We are going to this cafe we went to last weekend on saturday. We had wine and talked:) it was lovely. He is also a dj..hot.. and oh did i mention so is he?

So i booked time to go to Finland this summer to see Markus. I know he is in love with me and wants to win my heart and marry me! i feel kind of bad for crushing on nate but at the same time i dont! Im not dating him and i am having fun!:) well just see where things go either way. I dont want super serious right now. I have enough of that in my life.

Tomorrow im going to NOT binge. Oh my life they are getting bigger and longer and more expensive! last cheque i spent like $500 in a week!*shudders* I really need to get to know ana again. or just give it up... hahaha.

Tomorrow I am planning on fasting with diet soda only until supper. I have to eat at the hospital...its about 800 calories ALL at once... ugh i know! but at least thats all i have to eat for the day... and most likely i wont keep it down anyways.

Well thats enough of that! I need to get back to work! Blog i promise we shall meet again! Miss you lovely ladies! Hope your doing great!

xxo
Rach