I got way too much sun this weekend, I can hardly move. Its like my skin is tight and crusty all over my back, stomach, legs and arms and face. At least i got tanned? Well sunburned. I cant find my glasses today, so im wearing my perscription sunglasses at work. Im sure i look awesome.
This weekend was intresting. Didn't quite go foodwise as planned. Went for dinner with my sister. I nursed my drink yes, but had to get a salad (no dressing) so she wouldnt be suspicious. We watched this massive storm come in from the patio. As soon as we were done, it started to downpour! We ended up going to marble slab where i devoured a large frozen yogurt. I ended up purging it all. I didnt really plan on it but i had the opprotunity to so i did.
Saturday, I went out for brunch. AND GUESS WHO SHOWS UP? Elliot! i CANNOT believe it! I was in the middle of telling my friend about how i had just heard from him for the first time in like 2 years, and as i looked over, he was RIGHT there with his mom. He came over and we hugged and said hi. He looks really good. Peaceful and Healthy. Not like the last time we were together. We were both at the lowest, darkest places of our lives when we were last together before we broke up. Im so glad we didnt end up getting married like we had planned. So that was crazy.
Foodwise, i ate eggs benedict and hashbrowns. Purged. We went shopping for a bit then she left. I went to visit my hippie friend and i ended up buying stuff i shouldnt have. I didn't do any until later, but still. It was a good visit though. He was telling me about all the festivals he went to lately, and how amazing Deadmau5 was. I went 2 years ago and he was amazing.
No wonder I was a raver for so many years. Raver = automatically thin without trying. You dance for 12 hours at a time, 2 or 3 days in a row. You never eat much because the drugs keep you full. Even if you did eat you burn it off and then some with all the dancing. Obviously thats why i got down to 100 lbs 2 years ago. Def. not healthy but a much funner, unconcious way of doing it. I didnt have to think about losing the weight i just did.
Anyways: I went for bubble tea with JN: purged. It was nice to visit with him though. I bused home, and hung around for a bit. Didnt end up going to the pool, the weather so did not hold out. I went to the movies with my sister and Dad. i brought some veggies to snack on and bought frozen yogurt. I only had a few handfulls of popcorn so i didnt do too bad.
I.Got messed up later. Slept hard. Woke up feeling like i got hit by a truck... wonder why?
Sunday: Pool Day: Step on the scale. 125 lbs. Wait. No wait. Get off the scale Rach and check it agian.... 125 lbs!!! So, i went downstairs and put the bikini on. Still not 100% confident, but who the hell cares? It was good, i was able to wear it and not really mind at all who saw me.
Food: Fail Fail and FAIL.
I had perpared some veggies and fruit salad and sugarfree RedBull for my intake. BUT she brought chips, and candy and sandwiches. I ate all of it plus ice cream twice. Purged most of it. I got a little swacked at the pool , but decided to just be sober cuz it was more fun that way.
The day was perfect though, i saw heaps of people i know. Kind of awkward seeing people after so long, half naked. Kinda made me wanna hide behind my towel. We stayed from 11 am to 6 pm at the pool. I FRIED. Oh i am so burned, it hurts everywhere.
Later, we ended up going to get mexican food. Nachos, margaritas, enchilladas...yep. Ate all of that too. Felt sick. Purged some of it.
Come home, tried to binge, but felt too sick. I showered and sat on the couch wrapped in a blanket with the chills and a spinning head half watching the simpsons waiting for my parents to come home.
My mom came down to talk to me last night. Bah. She wanted to talk to me about my eating. They want to get me on a plan again so that i keep up my weight and food intake. I have to have a meeting with them tonight to discuss it. I dont know what im going to do. I dont know what I am going to do. I dont know. I should probably feel more anxious about it, but im just so drained from this sunburn Im pretty sure i have sunstroke. I dont even feel like moving. I was going to work out today, but i seriously do not think that is even a remote possiblitly. WE will see.
Today Intake so far:
B:4 tablespoon of hemp hearts: 280 Cal
Tea, Water, Coke Zero: 0 Cal
L: Romaine Salad, with Cucumber, Tomoato and Red Onion. :50 Cal
Low Fat Dressing: 5 Cal
S: No Idea. Should plan it but i have no motivation to.
Sometimes, i wonder: is this really worth it? I have lost almost everything once already because of all this... why am i still doing it then? I know what its like to be healthy and feel good, and not feel or be fat. I know better too. I know that once my BMI gets too low, my emotions go absolutely WILD> I know i get depressed once my weight gets too low. My hair falls out, my teeth ache, i end up doing drugs because im too weak. But still it all seems pale to comparison to being thin. I once believed that i could be free: God help me to want it again.
I chuckled when you wrote your wearing your sunglasses at work since you couldn't find your glasses :)
ReplyDeleteI loved reading all of that. Sounds like you had a hard weekend and purged a lot.
You're mom obviously sees something you may or may not see. She's obviously worried or concerned. I'm not sure if you think she understands you or gets what your going through but if she does then she probably knows the horrible path and emotions and distractions and everything it leads to and doesn't want you to happen and for you to feel like shit.
Try to breathe. I'm sure it will be okay. Try not to get annoyed or upset. Listen. And in return hopefully they will listen to whatever you have to say. Say what you want to say.
And OMG I feel your pain!!!! I went on vacation 4 months ago and got SOOOOO burned. I was walking like an old lady I couldn't even walk!!!! It hurt so bad!!!! I definitely got like sun poisoning or whatever. And no no no I did not work out because I was in sooo much pain. I was upset with myself but in no way could I do it.
So I hope you make the right decision for your body and if you can't it's okay! You're in pain right now and working out will only make the pain more severe.
And it's interesting you are asking yourself that question. It is GOOD!!! You should continue to battle those thoughts in your mind. Have you ever seen a therapist?/thought about it?
What do you want from life? Is it all really worth it?? Is the pain and suffering worth taking away my friends, people I might be able to meet? Is this battle with myself going to help me find a boyfriend? (I ask myself that all the time. the answer no. because i need to learn to get comfortable with myself first and accept me before i can accept someone else. unfortunately.) You only live once remember!
Stay strong sweetie <3