I will hide in strawberry fields

I need to take this blog space to vent all of the horrors that are spinning around in my mind at the moment with my body. i NEED to for my sanity.
First of all, on September 29 2010 it will have been 2 years since my last period. I know the only reason I had it while i was at my lowest weight of 100 lbs with mia is because i was on birth control. Since i went off it, i havent even had the slightest indication im going to get it. Of course i still have once a month where im bitchy as hell and feel like the world is ending and break out: but no release.
My Hair: is. falling. out. Shit shit shit SHIT. I used to have such THICK hair and now its like half gone, i kid you not. I need to do something cuz obviously the vitamins and omega oils and food isnt doing it enough. When i think about it, my heart actually races with anxiety. I dont ever want to have to cut my hair off cuz its too thin to have long! long hair is all i've ever known!! BAH fucking mia.
My Teeth: look and feel like shit now. I can see them getting translucent.
But do you think that motivates me to stop? ANY of it? IN the moment nothing else matters but getting the food out of me. Its like binging. You dont really think in the moment that its going to matter: but do it enough times and you pay. Maybe this will be more inspiration for this week of no binging...
failed at no purging again. Chocolate Cake can DIE for all i care.
Sorry about the being so negative. I just have to get this off my chest it seriously eats at me all the time. Knowing my body is slowing falling apart. its so embarrassing writing this down, but its not a blog if you lie right?

On another note! Last night was wicked awesome! I did tae bo for an hour then went and did laps at the pool for half an hour and stayed the rest of the night in the hot tub. I feel my muscles getting firmer and i can see them toning up. I can also see my collar bone protruding more:) its beautiful. LOVING the feeling of once tight but now baggy clothes. Swimming in my size 4's which means I will fit nicely in my 2's. I wish i could weigh myself i actually feel thin! I will not go lower than 118 lbs though. As badly as i might want to when i hit it. I know my body will not function anything less.

Intake Today:

B: 1/2 cup cottage cheese: 100 cal
1/4 cup berries: 35
1 cup green tea: 0
S: Chocolate Cake :???-purge. :(
L: 1 cup Romaine Salad - :35 cal
1 slice low fat turkey: 20 cal
D: Taco Salad: 1 cup romaine, couple cherry tomatoes, red onion, red pepper, couple bites of chicken, sprinkle of cheddar cheese and 1/4 cup salsa : 120 cal

Total: 310 cal

PLUS i am going to be eight going for a long as run, or kicking my ass in tae bo. No idea how to count calories burned but im sure im going to be fine. Once i get to 118 i will increase intake so that i can maintain without losing. Tricky one:) I feel good about it though.

So, my Finnish friend who's a boy. ARG. Why does he have to be SO dang perfect as soon as i tell him i DONT want a relationship? Its like as soon as we took the expectation off tha we arent going to date: we've been talking even more and, its been so much better than before! Ps. He is incredibly HOT. He look like a Greek god i kid you not! like PERFECT body, white blond hair, ice blue eyes... never thought id EVER go for that look ever. But man. Anyways, im not going to jump on anything here but my feelings are playing a number on me: again. Which is precisely why i must not act on my feelings at the moment. they are bound the change in the next... oh i dont know day or 2? maybe in the next hour.

mini goal for this week: STOP using so much salt. Subtitute with pepper. No need to get my sodium levels through the roof: or be super bloated either. If I want to use salt, i am to use sea salt..


So my mom leaves for her trip back home for a week on Saturday. I cant tell you how excited i am. I LOVE my mom dont get my wrong. Its just, i spend 89 % of my week with her (we both work in the same building like 50 metres away from eachother). so we car pool, work together, eat together... EVERYTHING together. It will be nice to have some space: me and my dad will be able to spend some quality time before i leave. PLUS she deserves it. its nice when she's gone because my dad gives me my space where my mom is does not. Next week i have 3 days alone:) hello fasting