Gravity

I don't know how I feel today.Its that time of the month again: the time where im supposed to have my period (but don't) but still have the horrifying depressing mood swings, ravoneous appitite, bloating and pimples glaore!
I have been reading some blogs that have got me thinking again about a lot of stuff. Its good.

To the girls who may read this blog, who do not yet have a diagnosed ED, who are just starting with the obessing of weight and numbers: with purging. please run the other way while you still can. While you still have a choice. I mean please live a healthy lifestyle but not one trapped in a disorder. I have had mia for almost 4 years now, and its done nothing but reak havok up my body and my mind, my relationships. I am 100% powerless, and i hate it! I hate mia with a passion, but i cannot shake her. Not on my own.

"Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long"

I was reading "peanut"s blog and i was reminded of someone i have been forgetting: someone really important. God. I had forgotten that he made me, and he loves me for who I am. That im made in HIS image. I have forgotten that it only by the power of his love will i ever see myself as beautiful and free. I believe that there is complete freedom not just "recovery" for this.... or at least i did. I know its my own shame that keeps me trapped. Trapped in with mia, trapped with drugs... i feel so ashamed to go to God for help. I feel like im a hyopcrite because im a christian and i should " know better". I have gotten so much "help" for both and i STILL struggle. I've been to rehabs, counsellors, phygologists, therapists, treatment homes, recovery homes, programs, AA/CA/NA, you name it. I've done it.
It just goes to show you that you have have all the resources given to you but in the end its still up to you. I went to a girls home for 6 months and expiernced almost a year free of any ED. But life happened (as it always does) and i let mia back in... and where ever mia has free reign drugs are not far off.

My family is going through hell right now too: my dad is super depressed, my sister is super depressed with more divorce drama than you can imagine. My mom is beyond crazy stressed taking it out on everyone: its like so much emotional stuff in the air right now: and i dont do well with stress (who does?). So automatically i turn to mia/drugs instead of God. Last night all i wanted to do was get high. But i didn't. When i feel like that: i make sure that i don't because i dont want to abuse the stuff again.

ANYWAYS: thats where my head is at right now but im really emotional this week cuz of my "non period" so everything feels more amplified. I meet with my pastor every week to talk about stuff so, today will be good to get things off my chest and get some prespective on things again.

On other things!

My cell phone is being stupid, it like doesnt work at all anymore. Im not super happy about that but at least i am only in town for another 2 weeks. So yeah.
My dad leaves on thursday and i took Friday off so im exicited! Im going try get some packing done, then go to the Capital X. still trying to figure out what to do about jade being injured. L wants to take me out Friday night too bah so many things!Last night, i totally missed my skype date with R. I have NO desire to have a deep conversation late into the night. He needs to talk super deep all the time and ive just not been in the mood for that lately. I watched Evan Almight instead haha.

Intake lately has mostly consisted of graham crackers and peanut butter dispite my efforts to eat more healthy. its how i feel and quite frankly i just dont care:) its kind of invigorating actually although i probably wont feel the same way tomorrow. Im going out for lunch today and havent even thought about it at all...just for today im going to pretend like i dont care... just for today.

Mmmm i really feel like raving right now... dancing ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Friday night maybe, after the X and going out with L? Thats the great thing about the Y. its open from 1am-8am so it doesnt interfere with your evening plans:)

This post is longer than i expected it to be: im off to my graham crackers now! Dang straight.