R.i.p. Michelle

Dear Blog,

Michelle hung herself....

I dont know what to say... or do. Im going to miss you with all my heart. I love you.



Rest. In. Peace.

we dont sleep when the sun goes down...

dear blog

i really need to use this time to vent some built up crap thats going on inside of me. I have had this effing eating disorder for over 5 years... at least if not more. I am so sick of going through the motions... binging and purging, restricting, exercising, losing weight, doing drugs, loving it, getting sick, going to the hospital, restoring weight, eating healhier, feeling normal, loving life, relapse.
Ok now lets do that again... of course thats just a very vague discription of this unending vicious cycle of nothinginess. The sick twisted voice inside of me is telling me i want to be sick again: that i want to be like those girls bone thin in the clinic...i hate being torn. A battle between two pretty obvious choices, but still being pulled in the opposite direction.
It isnt working anymore!! Its so much harder to lose weight than it was a year ago and i dont know why! I feel even more out of control than ever. All i want is to feel my clothes hang off of me again. Im amazed of how much my confidence and self worth is directly linked to the space between my thighs and the flatness of my tummy.
I know i sound like such a hypocrite.
But to my blog, i will be honest.
I will be 118 again.

Sincerely,
Rach

the jump

so. its been an eternity since i have visited this blog. SO much has happened.
In a nutshell.
Came home from Australia.
Mia owned me for 2 weeks.
Replased and used again.
Had an intervention.
Had almost 60 days binge & purge free.
Joined Anorexic and Bulimics Anonamyous
Replased and gave into Mia.
Went to Hawaii, and it got worse.
More Mia... Than More ANA.
NOW:
I am back at the clinic in the hospital... but this time out of
my own free will. Im moving forward no matter how many steps i take
back and no matter how much i still feel ana and mia pulling me back.
I spend all day on the unit in the hospital and i cant leave, or go
to the bathroom without a nurse. But i dont care. If that means mia
dies... THEN DIE BITCH! i HATE YOU!
Love you all girls!
Stay strong, live free and love your life!!
This addict is breaking free
xxoxo
Rachel

but here in your arms

whats been on mind lately? chaos. complete and utter chaos. i havent been able to sleep the past few nights, my mind wont shut up!! Everything in me is screaming to be my old self... back into all my old habbits. embrace it and live with it. i have this like intense self-hatred looming in the back of my head the past few days. its like in my mind, i have been searching for a place where i am happy... and i cannot find out. you know it doesnt matter where on earthyou are: as long as im there in my thinking, it can still be hell.
I dont have a scale... im really curious how much i weigh. none of my clothes fit me so that must mean im doing ok? its funny, when i try to lose weight i never do, but when i dont think about it and just live my life, thats when i end up dropping the pounds then suddenly im like "oh, im freezing cold all the time, none of my clothes fit me and i have no energy..." how did it even happen? again?
sorry this is kinda depressing but its a rainy day. so. whatever. haha i ate a chicken, cheese and gaucamolie toastie and a regular coffee today. i dont even really care how many calories or fat are in it. i havent eaten real food really in like a week. So my body needs some energy. I am going to the fruit barn today which is a place to buy super cheap fruits and veggies:) im really excited!!
ANYWAYS i best be off, ill update maybe when im feeling better. oh blog how it sucks to see sad thoughts once again. one day at a time!
xxo

destination paradise

i finally made it to pardadise! Its winter right now, so its not exactly paradise at the moment. but no worries, spring is just around the corner. my internet hasnt been working the past couple weeks annoyingly enough. i come on the blog and i have so much to catch up on its rediculious! i dont imagine i will be able to read all of the ones ive missed. i am incredibly busy here, everything is in full swing getting ready for the september school to start.
foodwise, def. not perefect. airport days are the worst i get so anxious and ended up binge/puring heaps. Being here though i have been good with buying my own food and eating healthy, small portions when i want to. i havent excerised once since i been here yet... im too busy. but i need to make time!
i hope you ladies are doing amazing and reaching your goals and staying beautiful! all my love is with you! ill update more later, im off to play with 70 screaming children! good times
peace and love

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I have to make this quick but FIRST OF ALL: Thank you SO MUCH girls for your comments about my photos! you have absolutely NO IDEA how much those mean to me! like you all made my WEEK! your amazing and i love you all so much!

This is my last post before i leave for Australia! So stay strong and beautiful and i will be back when im in paradise <3

xxo.
Rach

Everlasting Pictures Right Through Infinity

I thought it would be fun to actually post a couple pictures of myself up on this thing so you can know my face, when you get a comment from me, or read my blog:) So i decided what better way to do it then to do a "Before and After" with my hair. So lovelies. Here I am:)

My Hair BEFORE: (im the one in the pic with the "long hair" haha)



This one is from a month ago or so and is a bit blurry but you get the picture!


haah this is such an awful picture of ALL of us. (UG from Friday night). Just a pic to show you my long hair:)


AFTER:
(please excuse my faces and just look at the hair please haha)






A couple Random Photos for fun!

Jade, my lovely friend who recently graduated from rehab and myself:)



...look you can see part of my star tattoo:)