finding nothing finding no one

Dear Blog.

For a moment there I thought a may have lost weight.
As soon as I do good... I fucking binge my face off...bah!
Mia I hate you. I cannot find Ana no matter what i do!

5 days till rehab: Im scared shitless.

xxo.
Rach

Still the same old, same old...

There not a whole lot of updating to be going on here.
Im still at 125 lbs.
Im still eating my face off... most of the time. this weekend wasnt AS BAD.
One week and one day until my program.
I dont think the girls at work like the fact that im going for 3 months.
Ahh i feel so bad about having to take time off work, but i HAVE to.
I have no other choice. My well being is important!!

I think this week is going to go by fast...!!
Thats about it.

xxo.
Rach

cant control all these feelings

Dear Blog

Today again.. was an epic failure.
Cereal, bread, peanut butter, pizza, and everything in between.

out. of. control.

Tomorrow... again. I am going to try and fast. FML.

I said, no, no, no!

SO i cant stop eating. Everything and anything I can get my hands on.
It doesnt even matter what it is, when it comes to binging, i have no fear.
until i see my stomach sticking out, feel my insides turn upside down and feel
dizzy with guilt and shame... and nausea... then i have no choice but to purge,
and feel empty, pure. I dont know why I cant just embrace the empty before the binge, before i cave in and eat.
my goal this week. Fast breakfast and lunch at lesat one day. I cant get away with fasting dinner obviously because i have to eat at the hospital. I need to feel in control again.
Sometimes, if not most times, its as if I am watching someone else make my decisions for me. Its like another beast is driving while i watch from the back seat helplessly gagged, tied up and barely breathing.
Tonight I have to go out for dinner. At least I know the nutritional information on everything. I'll just do some sort of garden salad no dressing of course...
I have eaten so much today, i dont deserve to eat more...
I am suddenly so scared to go to rehab.. like terrified. I have been before, i have been to so many institutions: why should this one scare me? I guess its the whole idea of change. They know about my eating disorder so i will be forced to gain weighht... but this is what i want isnt it? my life back? well this one thing is for sure, i think im most scared of going to rehab thin and coming back fat:S Ah!
Tomorrow, I fast. No drugs to help either.
Wish me luck!
xxo.
Rach

My V-neck Shirt

Today I wore a V-neck shirt.
Today I saw my collar bone, pure, protruding, bones.
I hate not knowing what I weigh... but my mirror..
I saw bones... eligant, beautiful bones. My V-neck
shirt doesn't fit me anymore...
The feeling... the rush... it only lasts a moment.
Now, I must be thinner, better... I have been there
before. 118 lbs is not that far away...
only 7.more.lbs...maybe less. I want out
of the 120's.

Where in this mess am i??

Just another one of those moments.. laugh..sigh

To:
Perfecting my emptiness: you a jewel. Thank you so much for your comment, you have no idea how much that meant to me! Its amazing to come online here and find support from people I have never met, yet feel so close to. You are amazing! Thank yoU!

Rachel: I MISSED YOU TOO! I wish i could comment but my blog is being stupid. I have thought of you often, wondering how you are doing. I am up to date with your blog now. Hang in there! You are stronger than you think! Don't ever give up on the things that are important to you! Im here always! I love you so much my beautiful twin!!xoxo

Hello Blog:

Its safe to say foodwise was another day of disaster. I need to only bring the food I am allowing myself to eat, and nothing more. Leave my bank card at home... eat ONLY what i bring to eat.
Breatfast was an epic binge and purge YET again. Lunch was the same... i even walked to Tim Horton's and Dairy Queen to top it off. Purged it all out. Felt good to feel empty. I need to learn how to embrace the emptiness... I always feel the need to fill the empty then purge it out to feel empty. what a vicious cycle:S what i did eat and kept down was a bunch of fresh veggies and heaps of water. YES! I have been drinking water today. I dont honestly know how much ive kept down but im trying.

Dinner tonight at the hospital I am dreading... not so much the eating part(although thats a big part) Its the meeting with my dietican... As i mentioned before... her wanting me to do snacks at the hospital. The funny thing is, snack is usually the only food i keep down during the day... which is why ive probably been maintaing at 125 lbs and not losing. I would so much rather be in control of eating my snack than drinking 400 calories of ensure at 8 pm. No thanks!

So I was supposed to go to Finland at the end of July, but since I am now going to rehab... obviously plans have changed. M isnt a big fan of this new change in plans. He really wants to see me, so He said hes going to try come to Canada to visit me before i leave. That would be really good if he came. I really need to get some closure on the whole relationship thing. We have been skype chatting for almost 2 years and its to the point where we are going to start dating or step back and be friends only forever. But i feel like i need to see him first, and not just base my decsion off of our skype chats. Seriously its been a LONG 2 years. I hope he comes. Im seriously okay with either right now.. dating or friends... i just dont know how i feel yet.

Man, I cant wait to get out of this city... I need to get out so bad!
Sigh, today feels like its supposed to be Friday... its only Thursday.
I should get back to work!
Stay Strong ladies
xxo
Rach

Define the great line

Hello Blog.

Well I wouldnt quite say that last night was a success, but
I wouldnt call it an epic fail. I went for supper at the hospital, as per
usual (my least favorite part of the day), but i purged it. Then i went to
a movie where i ate a whole bag of movie popcorn to myself...a large one.x(
I purged it though and I got all of it out. So thats why last night wasnt good
because i couldnt control myself, but at least i got it out.
I went to see Super 8. It was so good! Im not that into alien or sci-fi movies
but i really enjoyed this one! I went with Jackie and Becky, it was good to see them
again!

Sooo I am not looking forward to tomorrow at supper. I have to meet with my dietician. I think she wants me to do snacks at the hospital. She has been trying to convince me to go back for all my meals... all 2700 calories worth. I think being there for suppers is hard enough. Even if i wanted to stay, it will make for too long of a day. I have to be at work 1 hour early, work 8 hours, then go eat at hospital and stay there all night till 9? Ugh no thank you.

So i am applying to go to a rehab centre in BC. I think going there will get the nurses and my doctor off of my back for the time being. I have so much to do... I have to start coming off my meds soon, because most of the ones that I take are narcotics and obviously they dont allow them into a rehab program. Ive been clean for a week, so my feelings are telling me that I got this under control and i dont need rehab. But its just a matter of time before I find myself back in that place: i feel like a ticking time bomb. I never know what im gonna do next.
The past couple months I really have been out of control in every area of my life. I liked using though because it helped me restrict... without it i binge all day and all night. I dont even remember what its like to do a whole day restricting and not binging on my own. It seems so simple! But its not! Anyways im rambling... moving on.

I said i would write down everything i ate today... umm how about starting now... AFTER breakfast. Didn't start out so great not gonna lie! I am amazed at how much I can eat...seriously how does that even all fit into my stomach? Aren't they supposed to be like the size of your fist? So aside from the epic binge and purge this morning.. what i DID keep down was
1 handfull of green grapes
1 cup earl grey tea.
I need to start drinking more water, im super dehydrated all the time. Its just that i have to go to the bathroom ALL the time... then add drinking lots of water to that, and a job where i need to be at my desk at all times and... ya its hard.

Anyways, Im gonna get back to work. My blog is being stupid im not able to post any comments, but i have been reading your blogs! They are inspiration!

xxo.
Rach

its easy as 1,2,3...

Its good to be back! I couldn't get on my blog for the LIFE of me! My computer wasnt letting me, it was annoying! Anyways! I feel like being on here makes me accountable. Even if no one reads this, its just helps.
Lately, my weight has been at a steady 125 lbs. Which is not horrible, but it is definately NOT where I want to be. I feel like im more like 150 lbs right now. Ugh I hate how much the mind plays tricks on you. Anyways, i really need to get back on track. I mean on one hand and least im not GAINING weight... but sitting here not quite at my goal weight feels awful.
I need to make a plan. It feels like the last 5-7 lbs are the hardest to get off and keep off. 7 more lbs is all i want. It may not seem that big of a deal but trust me, it certianly is!!
I haven't excerised in so long, that is probably WHY i cant lose the weight i want. DUH!! That and the fact I can't stop binging. Starting tomorrow, I am going to post EVERY single thing that i eat. TO help me be accounatble, and hopefully by seeing the list it will inspire me to eat less. I am working my way to a fast. Fingers crossed.
I have been clean and sober for almost a week. Part of me is dying to use...but i know all it will do is get me in bad places plus i cannot afford it. Ive done enough damage to my visa.
Im going to spend some time reading other blogs today to help me get motivated!
Stay strong lovlies!
xxo
Rachel