Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I said, no, no, no!

SO i cant stop eating. Everything and anything I can get my hands on.
It doesnt even matter what it is, when it comes to binging, i have no fear.
until i see my stomach sticking out, feel my insides turn upside down and feel
dizzy with guilt and shame... and nausea... then i have no choice but to purge,
and feel empty, pure. I dont know why I cant just embrace the empty before the binge, before i cave in and eat.
my goal this week. Fast breakfast and lunch at lesat one day. I cant get away with fasting dinner obviously because i have to eat at the hospital. I need to feel in control again.
Sometimes, if not most times, its as if I am watching someone else make my decisions for me. Its like another beast is driving while i watch from the back seat helplessly gagged, tied up and barely breathing.
Tonight I have to go out for dinner. At least I know the nutritional information on everything. I'll just do some sort of garden salad no dressing of course...
I have eaten so much today, i dont deserve to eat more...
I am suddenly so scared to go to rehab.. like terrified. I have been before, i have been to so many institutions: why should this one scare me? I guess its the whole idea of change. They know about my eating disorder so i will be forced to gain weighht... but this is what i want isnt it? my life back? well this one thing is for sure, i think im most scared of going to rehab thin and coming back fat:S Ah!
Tomorrow, I fast. No drugs to help either.
Wish me luck!

1 comment:

  1. you will go in being ill and you will go out being HEALTHY not fat, healthy. I wish i would be as brave as you are.