Perfecting my emptiness: you a jewel. Thank you so much for your comment, you have no idea how much that meant to me! Its amazing to come online here and find support from people I have never met, yet feel so close to. You are amazing! Thank yoU!
Rachel: I MISSED YOU TOO! I wish i could comment but my blog is being stupid. I have thought of you often, wondering how you are doing. I am up to date with your blog now. Hang in there! You are stronger than you think! Don't ever give up on the things that are important to you! Im here always! I love you so much my beautiful twin!!xoxo
Its safe to say foodwise was another day of disaster. I need to only bring the food I am allowing myself to eat, and nothing more. Leave my bank card at home... eat ONLY what i bring to eat.
Breatfast was an epic binge and purge YET again. Lunch was the same... i even walked to Tim Horton's and Dairy Queen to top it off. Purged it all out. Felt good to feel empty. I need to learn how to embrace the emptiness... I always feel the need to fill the empty then purge it out to feel empty. what a vicious cycle:S what i did eat and kept down was a bunch of fresh veggies and heaps of water. YES! I have been drinking water today. I dont honestly know how much ive kept down but im trying.
Dinner tonight at the hospital I am dreading... not so much the eating part(although thats a big part) Its the meeting with my dietican... As i mentioned before... her wanting me to do snacks at the hospital. The funny thing is, snack is usually the only food i keep down during the day... which is why ive probably been maintaing at 125 lbs and not losing. I would so much rather be in control of eating my snack than drinking 400 calories of ensure at 8 pm. No thanks!
So I was supposed to go to Finland at the end of July, but since I am now going to rehab... obviously plans have changed. M isnt a big fan of this new change in plans. He really wants to see me, so He said hes going to try come to Canada to visit me before i leave. That would be really good if he came. I really need to get some closure on the whole relationship thing. We have been skype chatting for almost 2 years and its to the point where we are going to start dating or step back and be friends only forever. But i feel like i need to see him first, and not just base my decsion off of our skype chats. Seriously its been a LONG 2 years. I hope he comes. Im seriously okay with either right now.. dating or friends... i just dont know how i feel yet.
Man, I cant wait to get out of this city... I need to get out so bad!
Sigh, today feels like its supposed to be Friday... its only Thursday.
I should get back to work!
Stay Strong ladies