Hello Blog,
Today, is raining non-stop. One of those days where you want to curl up in a blanket and watch movies and drink tea and hide from the world. But, at least working = money. So im okay with that.
Last night, i have no idea how many calories i ate. About a cup of mixed veggies, 1/4 chicken breast, small salad with salsa and 1/2 tsp of coconut oil. I did pretty good... I had like a handfull of fuzzy peaches which wasnt so good but oh well. Didnt purge.
Today:
B: Small WW flax bagel : 170 cal
1/2 cup mix berries : 30 cals
Green Tea w/ stevia: 0 cal
S: Cinnamon Bun: ???cal (I lose: of course they put them RIGHT beside my desk fml.
I didn't purge)
Mini Coke Zero: 0 Cal
L: ... i dont know if i will eat my lunch im too full :S
Small Romaine Salad w/ tomoato, cucumber, red onion: 45 cal
1/2 teaspoon low fat dressing: 5 cal
D: 4 oz. chicken breast: 120 cal
1 cup steamed veggies: 35-40 cal
So it took me ALL of last night to clean my room. It hasn't been that messy in a VERY long time. It's hard though, because im in between packing for Australia, then packing up my room because my parents want to move in the next year: so all my stuff has to be in boxes or taken with me. Trying to keep it clean is just hopeless. BUT today, i am happy to say that vaccummed, dusted and tidy:) feels good not to trip over everything and know where all my stuff is. I found my glasses layered in my sheets in my bed. I figured i would find them once i cleaned my room.
So, i had a talk with my mom. And she's going to help me stop purging. Because honestly, i hate it, it just screws me up so much. Knowing that i can't purge derastically helps with my binge cravings, and actually helps me restrict a whole lot easier. My parents are all about me not bingeing, so they will be happy to see me eating "small" portions, and saying no to junk food. So it works out in the end, as long as i maintain my proper intake... and my workouts=)
I have been creating meal plans, so i can have a guide to go to. Otherwise i just don't care and don't know what to eat or how much then it just all falls apart. I dont know what im intake # will be yet but we will see.
My sunburn is still red as ever today, but not much pain. Hoping to work out today. I dont like going more than 2 days in a row without working out. If i dont today it will be 3. E is coming over tonight and she said she has something for me:) i cant wait i love presents!
At the moment: i really feel like bingeing...NO> i WILL NOT eat more than i need.
<3
I got way too much sun this weekend, I can hardly move. Its like my skin is tight and crusty all over my back, stomach, legs and arms and face. At least i got tanned? Well sunburned. I cant find my glasses today, so im wearing my perscription sunglasses at work. Im sure i look awesome.
This weekend was intresting. Didn't quite go foodwise as planned. Went for dinner with my sister. I nursed my drink yes, but had to get a salad (no dressing) so she wouldnt be suspicious. We watched this massive storm come in from the patio. As soon as we were done, it started to downpour! We ended up going to marble slab where i devoured a large frozen yogurt. I ended up purging it all. I didnt really plan on it but i had the opprotunity to so i did.
Saturday, I went out for brunch. AND GUESS WHO SHOWS UP? Elliot! i CANNOT believe it! I was in the middle of telling my friend about how i had just heard from him for the first time in like 2 years, and as i looked over, he was RIGHT there with his mom. He came over and we hugged and said hi. He looks really good. Peaceful and Healthy. Not like the last time we were together. We were both at the lowest, darkest places of our lives when we were last together before we broke up. Im so glad we didnt end up getting married like we had planned. So that was crazy.
Foodwise, i ate eggs benedict and hashbrowns. Purged. We went shopping for a bit then she left. I went to visit my hippie friend and i ended up buying stuff i shouldnt have. I didn't do any until later, but still. It was a good visit though. He was telling me about all the festivals he went to lately, and how amazing Deadmau5 was. I went 2 years ago and he was amazing.
No wonder I was a raver for so many years. Raver = automatically thin without trying. You dance for 12 hours at a time, 2 or 3 days in a row. You never eat much because the drugs keep you full. Even if you did eat you burn it off and then some with all the dancing. Obviously thats why i got down to 100 lbs 2 years ago. Def. not healthy but a much funner, unconcious way of doing it. I didnt have to think about losing the weight i just did.
Anyways: I went for bubble tea with JN: purged. It was nice to visit with him though. I bused home, and hung around for a bit. Didnt end up going to the pool, the weather so did not hold out. I went to the movies with my sister and Dad. i brought some veggies to snack on and bought frozen yogurt. I only had a few handfulls of popcorn so i didnt do too bad.
I.Got messed up later. Slept hard. Woke up feeling like i got hit by a truck... wonder why?
Sunday: Pool Day: Step on the scale. 125 lbs. Wait. No wait. Get off the scale Rach and check it agian.... 125 lbs!!! So, i went downstairs and put the bikini on. Still not 100% confident, but who the hell cares? It was good, i was able to wear it and not really mind at all who saw me.
Food: Fail Fail and FAIL.
I had perpared some veggies and fruit salad and sugarfree RedBull for my intake. BUT she brought chips, and candy and sandwiches. I ate all of it plus ice cream twice. Purged most of it. I got a little swacked at the pool , but decided to just be sober cuz it was more fun that way.
The day was perfect though, i saw heaps of people i know. Kind of awkward seeing people after so long, half naked. Kinda made me wanna hide behind my towel. We stayed from 11 am to 6 pm at the pool. I FRIED. Oh i am so burned, it hurts everywhere.
Later, we ended up going to get mexican food. Nachos, margaritas, enchilladas...yep. Ate all of that too. Felt sick. Purged some of it.
Come home, tried to binge, but felt too sick. I showered and sat on the couch wrapped in a blanket with the chills and a spinning head half watching the simpsons waiting for my parents to come home.
My mom came down to talk to me last night. Bah. She wanted to talk to me about my eating. They want to get me on a plan again so that i keep up my weight and food intake. I have to have a meeting with them tonight to discuss it. I dont know what im going to do. I dont know what I am going to do. I dont know. I should probably feel more anxious about it, but im just so drained from this sunburn Im pretty sure i have sunstroke. I dont even feel like moving. I was going to work out today, but i seriously do not think that is even a remote possiblitly. WE will see.
Today Intake so far:
B:4 tablespoon of hemp hearts: 280 Cal
Tea, Water, Coke Zero: 0 Cal
L: Romaine Salad, with Cucumber, Tomoato and Red Onion. :50 Cal
Low Fat Dressing: 5 Cal
S: No Idea. Should plan it but i have no motivation to.
Sometimes, i wonder: is this really worth it? I have lost almost everything once already because of all this... why am i still doing it then? I know what its like to be healthy and feel good, and not feel or be fat. I know better too. I know that once my BMI gets too low, my emotions go absolutely WILD> I know i get depressed once my weight gets too low. My hair falls out, my teeth ache, i end up doing drugs because im too weak. But still it all seems pale to comparison to being thin. I once believed that i could be free: God help me to want it again.
Goodmorning Blog!
First of all i just want to say thankyou to all the lovely ladies who leave me comments! They mean SO much to me you dont even know. Its amazing how good it feels to be understood by eachother, and i am so amazed at the encouragement you ladies have given me and eachother:) and thank you so much for reading<3
So, i dont normally weigh in on a Friday... but i couldnt help it. AND...*drumroll please.....***** I BROKE THE 130 PLATEAU!!! 128 lbs!!! YES!! It only gets better from here! It is amazing though how its such a bitter sweet thing. Its like yeah sure i lost 2 lbs but i actually FEEL fatter than i did 2 days ago. Whatever, I will see on sunday if I can keep this 2 lbs off: Id better. I dont want to hit 130 again. Ever.
On a lighter note of things: This weekend i have offically decided is going to be fun! Tonight, my sister and I are going to find a patio in the sunshine and sit there all night. My Plan: Say i ate alreaday to save money (cuz its true i need to) then nurse a drink all night long. Haven't decided what yet. Tomorrow, Im going for brunch with an old friend from high school...again. Plan: Order small fruit cup (ive been there before so it helps) and tea. Say im not super hungry because its the morning. I am supposed to be going to the pool so i cannot be bloated and gross, Since im not around home all day, i dont have to worry about eating. Only if necessary.
OK> SOO i have to be honest here for a second. This is where things might get interesting. Okay so I am supposed to visit my hippie friend after brunch. (before the pool) Now. I know what happened last time i visited him (i got high [Again])...and secretly i want it to happen again. I feel so terrible for saying it, but its my blog and i need to at least be honest with it. Now, he doesn't always have stuff on him: but lately he has, and when i go visit him he kind of expects me to. (Ps. he's not a jerk: we are really good friends: hes like an amazing guy its just that is the relationship we used to have back in the day and still sometimes every now and again). Now, if that doesn't work I am seeing JN tomorrow too afterwards. He's a sweetie, but the same thing. Always has stuff. SO. i feel that tomorrow might go in a certain direction? If anyone reads this i hope you don't judge. *Note: it sounds lame but it helps with my self confidence while in a bathingsuit...which i will be in all weekend... MAN that sounds stupid. BUT its true*
Saturday night though, im going on a date with dad. No dinner thankfully, but a movie. I love movies BUT i hate them at the same time. Damn movie popcorn. The moment i smell the stuff i feel the need to devour a whole large to myself. My dad usually buys it, but never shares so thats good. i just wont bring my own money so im not tempted. He DOES however buy me, no sugar non-fat frozen yogurt (yogen fruz) which is about 110 cal for small. Not too shabby:)
Sunday: ALL day at the pool. Summer is coming over early to pack our "picnic" lunch. Im bringing berries and veggies, water and coke zero. She said she'd bring chips and candy...BAHAHA right. at the pool no less. I am determined to wear my bikini no matter how fat i feel, because i WANT to get tanned. No questions. Summer is def. bigger than me so as bad as it sounds it helps.
Intake Today:
B: Tea and Blueberries (40 cal). + vitamins
L: 1 Avocado for lunch, with tiny piece of chicken breast for lunch. (200 cal)
S: ...haha nursing my drink on a patio:)(cal...??)
and as always heaps of water!!
OMG, so last night i went shopping despite my feeling like crap. (which by the way i feel much better:)) i bought this necklace i have wanted for a long time..so pretty! And i bought purse for $10!! everything is on sale right now its golden! Then i got the perfect white sweater. Honestly. its what i have been looking for, for months!
So, let me take this moment to say how much i absolutely despise being at the doctor's. Like UGG. I have spent far too much time in the past years there to ever want to step foot in that office again. BUT. My mom is convinced i need to get my potassium levels checked out. I actually feel fine, i KNOW when my levels are out of wack i can feel it.
I have had a history with my electrolytes being very unstable. Which is why i need to be careful. The one in particular is potassium. I actually went into cardiac arrest and died...they revived me on the spot: in feb 08. Normals levels should be NO LOWER than 3.5. i went in at critical level of 2.6 and within an hour of treatment fell to a lethal level of 1.6: hence cardiac arrest. Doctor's said they have never seen levels this low ever, and had someone survive. (of course thats when i got thrown into the hospitals inpatient ed program for 6 months. SO. Naturally my mom would worry. To be honest, i dont ever want that to happen again either. Last summer, i let my levels get too low again (2.2) and was at emergency again with that stupid IV. (MOST PAINFUL THING YOU WILL EVER HAVE HAPPEN TO YOU IN YOUR LIFE!!)
So, making sure to keep up with vitamins and such is super important. I know alot of times I didnt actually care if i died i just wanted to be skinny. AND i WAS skinny but did die. So this time: my goal: be skinny and live=)
These things always end up being so long! But its good to get it out somewhere.
Here's to a fun sunny weekend: to getting into that bathing suite no matter what: and to being skinny and alive:)
<3
Today my stomache feels like dying. The one good thing about feeling sick, is that i dont feel like eating, and no one expects you too:) Theres a silver lining to everything...almost.
So the rest of my birthday wasn't too bad. But it wasnt great. I did manage to pick at salads with no dressing for both lunch and dinner. It was the 3 glasses of beer that ruined my whole day. I haven't had beer though in like year so i didnt feel AS BAD...but still.
Yesterday was great...for once!!
B: Chugged back green tea (0 cal. i dont use sugar i used stevia: its healthy)and water. + vitamines
L: was a handful of romaine and red onion (35).no dressing. Coke zero in the afternoon... and for
S: i had a small romaine salad with cucumber (around 35 again)and about 40 cals worth of fish at dinner. So that brought my total to 110 cal.
I went for a 45 minute run last night, it was such a beautiful night. I felt like i could have ran forever: but then i had to pee haha.
Later i kind of binged on raw veggies though. I was hoping to not eat for the rest of the night, but at least i ate veggies and not junk food. I didnt measure or anything how much but im guessing around 100 cal. I worked out so i know i burned it off anyways. I was aiming for 200. So in all of that madness i think i did pretty good!
Today So far the Plan is:
B: 2 teaspoons of hemp hearts (70) + Vitamines + Green Tea
S, L, S: Fast. I don't feel good, so i am going to take advantage of it and fast. To be able to fast around my parents is nearly impossible!
I am going to be spending the weekend at our outdoor pool and god know i NEED to look good. SO, fasting is probably the best thing to do right now. I am going to be seeing all of my friends for my birthday weekend and i will look thin and beautiful!!
Good news!! Ribs are definitely showing more, and hips are sticking out more... BAD news: My fucking thighs. They are the LAST place i lose weight. i dont have hips so i dont need to worry about them. I lose weight quick in my mid section for the most part. my arms... they arent too far behind. BUT MY THIGHS. they feel so HUGE!!!
To Rachel:
i am so sorry to hear about your cuncussion! that is so terrible:( i hope you feel better soon! i will be looking to see the story soon! i hope you are doing well otherwise. thanks so much for your comments they mean SO MUCH:D your amazing girl<3 stay strong beautiful.
By the way, i just have to say that:
"the moment i said it"- by imogen heap is my favoritest song ever right now:)
I should get back to work. Stay strong and beautiful <3
I am gonna get them thighs back to how they should be
Happy 22 Birthday Rachel!
Honestly, i actually feel older today. I have never had that happen before. I have decided that 22 is like 19. That weird age in between being an offical adult and just an adult. Maybe I am just crazy? Haha its early.
To my new follwer- My Lovely Twin Rachel:)
Thank you so much for your comment it means so much! I just wanted to tell you that you never fail unless you give up completely. you can fall as many times as you want as long as you get back up and keep on going. I know you are seeing results so that must mean you are doing something right? You are stronger than you think! Thats why we are here too, to help you when you feel like giving up! I love how blogs bring people together like this its so cool! I am 22 today as you can see. xo.
Well, yesterday went pretty good foodwise...i drank lots of water and snacks on a few sticks of celery... then it was dinner.
The up side to dinner was that when i went to the resturant a whole bunch of my friends were waiting there to suprise me. They even had presents for me! No one buys me presents anymore, so that was super amazing...
The down side: they took me to a burger joint. I was going to order a salad but they all talked me into ordering a burger since "it was my birthday"... what does that suppossed to me? Anyways, i ended up eating every last bit of the chicken burger and french fries on the side. THEN to top it off the server brought a huge icecream sundae "on the house" while singing happy birthday. I let my friends eat it, of course they convinced me to at LEAST take a bite.
I would love to say that i let myself suffer with it and kept it down but i didnt. i purged. i felt too sick.
So far today, I've only had water, tea and half a teaspoon of flax, and loaded up on vitamins.
A bit of background:
I have had issues with eating going back 3 years or so now. I was pro ANA but the fact i used to love food so much got my parents on my case, so i was forced to turn to MIA to get rid of the fat on my body. I am 5'8 and in from August-December I went from 155 lbs (eww i know) to 115 lbs. By January I had reached 100 lbs. Of course i was forced into an ED clinic after some health problems. Ill admit i wasnt being too safe, i was really careless. I was really addicted to drugs back then, so i used it as a crutch to fill my stomach instead of food. it was easier. I have been through all those programs, and have returned to "health normal weight". I have learned alot about being healthy and i really dont want to be sick. I do however want to be thin and i want to do it better this time. Taking vitamines, eating (ABC one day but 2468 for now), exercising. I will admit, 100 lbs on my frame was a bit too skinny on me. I know that sounds crazy. I am still deciding my GW. Between 115-120. Those numbers might look HUGE to some of you, but any thinner and ill be thrown back in the clinic. WHICH i swear will NEVER happen again.
When i move to Australia, it will be easier to lose the weight and not have my parents hovering over me watching what i eat. That is one month away so for now I just have to be careful how much i lose around them. I know i know i am 22 and live at home. Its only because I am moving to Australia and they are letting me stay in their house rent-free so i can save more money. I really appriciate it too. I love my parents ps. they can be annoying as hell, but i know its because they love me.
I am currently stuck at a 130 plateau. I will admit i havent been working out as much, i get so lazy once i stop for even a day. The past week though i have been doing better and i feel much better. Today i feel thin. the nice thing about my body type is, it doesnt take long for my bones to stick out:) Hello ribs and hip bones<3
Ok. This is long so I will wrap it up for now. I am nervous for today, I am hanging out with my sister and she loves to make me eat. I am saving more calorie intake today for being with her. trust me i am going to need it. I am going to shoot for 700, man wish me luck im gonna need it!
***EDIT***
FML!! Birthday Celebration for Rachel at work = puff wheat squares + cheesebuns + loads of butter + fruit. Fruit, no so bad. Massive cheese buns, butter and squares...effing carbs. I couldn't NOT eat it: they all watched me get my food FIRST becuase "its my birthday." According to a lot of people, your bday is the day you should be eating as much shitty food as possilbe. Anyways, i tried purging but barely got any of it out. I feel so disgusting right now. So im sort of freaking out since i still have to go out for 2 more "bday dinners" today. I am going to try skip lunch at least by using the excuse that i already ate... cuz i DID!! Fricking enough calories for the next 5 days!! Im going to stick to salads, no dressing and only eat a couple bites. Hello cardio work-out tonight!
So i realized i dont even have the guts to write about everything on this damn blog.
I think its time i start to at least be honest with my blog. so here we go!
ive decided that i need to stop purging. eat healhy and work out...i dont know if am strong enough for ABC yet. But i am going to start restricting calories again and do 2468 instead. I need to shrink my stomache back to normal size seeing as its massive due to my epic binges and purges. Not anymore. I want to save my teeth for goodness sake!
Today so far Ive had
1 teaspoon of ground flax 60 cal
2 teaspoon of hemp hearts 100 cal
salad with cucumber and onion 100
low fat dressing 10 cal
total 270
I am working out today after work too. I am not going to eat the rest of the day until supper. i have to go out, so im not sure what i am going to be doing about that yet. we'll see. I might have to bring mia back for that one... well see. i will try my best not to!
In other news! GUESS WHO GOT AHOLD OF ME?! I will call him...Elliot. Anyways its almost been 2 years since we have broken up and i never thought i would hear from him ever again!! it is so good to hear that he is doing GOOD! he has liturally disspeared off the face of the planet! anyways i was thrilled to see the message!
I have been shopping so much lately, my mom is awesome! she has been spending all this money on new clothes! I am pretty excited about it!
This weekend foodwise was really good. Saturday i had tea, chicken soup broth and a few sips of a smoothie and that was it. Sunday we had a big turkey diner but i got away with minimal eating.
I am craving that damn stuff again. I wish i never even knew what it was like to do drugs. its seriously ruins you for any kind of fun AND it keeps your stomache feeling full. bah. anyways i dont feel like wasting more money on it, i have so much i have to get ready before i leave for auz. its not worth it! Rachel it is NOT worth it!
My birthday is tomorrow so im taking half a day off of work! I dont know what to expect tomorrow. My sister is taking me out but im hoping it doesnt include eating heaps of food. she loves her food.
hmm i think its time for some more green tea
Hello Blog.
I havent had the guts to really write about whats been going on since last weekend yet. It is definitely safe to say that my brilliant ideas for last weekend were a big mistake.
Of course i wanted to get high. So i did. Massive amounts on Friday, took so much out of me i was a zombie on Saturday. I had to visit a good friend from overseas for lunch and i had to quicky throw back a pot of coffee before she got there. Kept me alert as i could be. Eating was painful. I was going to keep it all down but I guess purging is just habbit sometimes. I went swimming later and pretty much flopped down in over a floaty and sat there. I got 12 hours sleep on saturday which is UNHEARD OF!
Sunday. Oh but Sunday. Started off lovely. Went to church with the family, although i was in a particularly awful mood. We had family dinner which i actually kept down. I was going to meet a friend who had a day pass from rehab... and i did. It was so great to see her! But right after i saw her my friend (call her Jade) and i made a stop by my dear old hippie friends' house. That was the mistake. Before i knew it i was rolling and off the flail around at the park. I was supposed to be hanging out with my other friend that day. i called her to tell her id be later. By the time it came to see my other friend (Joy) i had come down enough to act normal. But then Jade suggested more and so we did: 10 mins before Joy came to get me.
Fuck.
To be honest i dont remember the drive home. I didnt even know who it was driving me and where i was. Of course she took me home to my mom: which was awesome...not.
So basically Im never leaving the house "unsupervised" again. Damnit i just can't say no. i know it sounds lame but whenever i want to do something, i always just do it. Like even with binge eating... i know its not going to be worth it and ill feel like crap. BUT no. Gotta give in every time.
This week has been intresting. Parents have been watching me like a hawk. Everything. Serves me right though for being stupid and getting caught. Anyways. That was that. My birthday is next week. I am NOT looking forward to that. PLUS its supposed to rain: BRILLIANT.
Yesterday was Canada Day and my mom bought me new clothes which was sweet. I've def. gained weight this week ever since my parents got on my case about my eating and stuf. Doesnt feel good on me at all. i feel all gross and flabby. I know its all in my head... right?
I dont know what i am going to do this weekend. Get my stuff from Jade since ill probably never be able to see her again:( She said she would pay me half the money i wasted on shit last weekend. i had no money for anything this week. I really do hope she pulls through today because i mega need the cash. Hoping to do more shopping for Australia!! Feels like its never going to come!
