Goodbye Eating Disorder, Hello Rachel!

Dear Blog:
This will be the last entry I ever make.
On my journey for sobriety: trying to get clean from drugs... I found myself on the road to recovery from an eating disorder. For so long, I had been ignoring the eating disorder... covering it up trying to forget about it using drugs. I used drugs to help me with the eating disorder and I used them to escape the shame, and i used them to blame my problems on. I went to rehab honestly thinking that it was the answer. It didnt take long for me to realize that rehab is not where i needed to be.
One thing lead to another, and before I knew it, I was accepted to a residential treatment home for girls with eating disorders. I had 2 weeks to think about what I was doing before I left...I almost didnt make it.
I have tried many other ways to live without ED but every time failed. I think I have gone though seasons... times where I have accepted an eating disorder as part of who i am, and i even wanted to live with it for the rest of me life. The other times i wanted to die. I hated myself for how disgusting i felt i was, how i looked and how i had turned into someone i did not know. Right before I left i remember laying in bed, wishing my heart would just stop to end this hell... if this was life i didnt want anything to do with it.
When I arrived at the doors of my treatment home: something happened. For the first time in my life, I became not just ready to change but willing to do whatever it took to recover. With the help of a nutritionist, and a handful of counsellors, I started making steps towards healthy eating, (whatever that was supposed to look like), and a positive body image (which was even more difficult to understand). Not going to lie, it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. When it comes down to it: you can get all the counselling and therapy you want, but i realized i eventually had to eat the food, and keep it down.
As i started, and give my body what it needed i started noticing changes. I had better concentration and focus, which meant i could finally read again. I didnt have crazy racing thoughts anymore: i could sit by myself and have peace of mind. My moods started to stabilize very quickly. I realized i wasnt feeling depressed anymore. I felt ALIVE, and had so much energy to do things. I started to sleep on my own and through the night. The coolest things are, I noticed I didnt have the urge to binge anymore.. at all. I didn't crave sugar anymore which has been a huge one my whole life i have always had a bag of candy with me at all times. I realized I wasnt thinking about my weight constantly, or how i looked. I started breaking my food rules, and eating the things the eating disorder forbid. As i conquered each one, food started to lose its power over me...
Now, I can say that I do not have any fear foods anymore. I am not afraid of gaining weight anymore... In fact i did gain weight in the process of recovery. But to me, the weight is a proud mark of recovery. I now look like a healthy person who eats, and its not a bad thing anymore. I honestly never thought, that I could eat whatever I wanted, AND liked the way that I looked. I thought that if i ate, it meant i was fat. period. Turns out thats a lie. Because I am not fat, I love the way I look and Im eating what I want. I dont have any anxiety about food anymore. I have learned how to listen to my body and follow my hunger and fullness cues. I eat when I am hungry and I stop when i am full. My body tells me what it needs, whether it be veggies, a steak or maybe pizza. I dont feel the need to purge my meal, or restrict during it. I dont have to compensate by exercise anymore: in fact the 9 weeks i was at the home i didnt exercise at all. The light and life has come back into my eyes. I have found my own voice again, and I know now that the eating disorder is not who i am. I can separate myself from ED and do the opposite of what it says to do. Ed says dont eat the bun, so i eat the bun and have butter on it too! I am able to really connect with people in a way that I havent done in years! I can be there for my friends, to be a support when THEY need me.
I can genuinely laugh, cry, smile and I enjoy things in life big or small. I don't wake up dreading the day wishing i could die. I wake up feeling excited, and hopeful about the future. Even when things get hard,(which there have been very difficult days/weeks) I can separate the emotions from food. I am learning how to be honest and open about what is going on inside of me, and how to reach out and get support when I need it.
If you would have asked me even a year ago (read my previous blogs and you can see) that I actually didnt want to recover. I was fine (so not) with where I was at.
Now, I wouldnt trade it for anything in the world. I can be REAL for once in my life. I have no idea who i am really yet, or even what I like... but its a journey that I am looking forward to, because now when i see my future, I can see that it will be good. I am no longer defined by a number: I can say and truly believe that my value is in WHO i am and NOT what i weigh.
I am 120 days clean
3 months without an eating disorder.
If anyone reads this, I hope you feel encouraged. If I can do it, SO CAN YOU!
Love you ladies.

xxo.
Rach

finding nothing finding no one

Dear Blog.

For a moment there I thought a may have lost weight.
As soon as I do good... I fucking binge my face off...bah!
Mia I hate you. I cannot find Ana no matter what i do!

5 days till rehab: Im scared shitless.

xxo.
Rach

Still the same old, same old...

There not a whole lot of updating to be going on here.
Im still at 125 lbs.
Im still eating my face off... most of the time. this weekend wasnt AS BAD.
One week and one day until my program.
I dont think the girls at work like the fact that im going for 3 months.
Ahh i feel so bad about having to take time off work, but i HAVE to.
I have no other choice. My well being is important!!

I think this week is going to go by fast...!!
Thats about it.

xxo.
Rach

cant control all these feelings

Dear Blog

Today again.. was an epic failure.
Cereal, bread, peanut butter, pizza, and everything in between.

out. of. control.

Tomorrow... again. I am going to try and fast. FML.

I said, no, no, no!

SO i cant stop eating. Everything and anything I can get my hands on.
It doesnt even matter what it is, when it comes to binging, i have no fear.
until i see my stomach sticking out, feel my insides turn upside down and feel
dizzy with guilt and shame... and nausea... then i have no choice but to purge,
and feel empty, pure. I dont know why I cant just embrace the empty before the binge, before i cave in and eat.
my goal this week. Fast breakfast and lunch at lesat one day. I cant get away with fasting dinner obviously because i have to eat at the hospital. I need to feel in control again.
Sometimes, if not most times, its as if I am watching someone else make my decisions for me. Its like another beast is driving while i watch from the back seat helplessly gagged, tied up and barely breathing.
Tonight I have to go out for dinner. At least I know the nutritional information on everything. I'll just do some sort of garden salad no dressing of course...
I have eaten so much today, i dont deserve to eat more...
I am suddenly so scared to go to rehab.. like terrified. I have been before, i have been to so many institutions: why should this one scare me? I guess its the whole idea of change. They know about my eating disorder so i will be forced to gain weighht... but this is what i want isnt it? my life back? well this one thing is for sure, i think im most scared of going to rehab thin and coming back fat:S Ah!
Tomorrow, I fast. No drugs to help either.
Wish me luck!
xxo.
Rach

My V-neck Shirt

Today I wore a V-neck shirt.
Today I saw my collar bone, pure, protruding, bones.
I hate not knowing what I weigh... but my mirror..
I saw bones... eligant, beautiful bones. My V-neck
shirt doesn't fit me anymore...
The feeling... the rush... it only lasts a moment.
Now, I must be thinner, better... I have been there
before. 118 lbs is not that far away...
only 7.more.lbs...maybe less. I want out
of the 120's.

Where in this mess am i??

Just another one of those moments.. laugh..sigh

To:
Perfecting my emptiness: you a jewel. Thank you so much for your comment, you have no idea how much that meant to me! Its amazing to come online here and find support from people I have never met, yet feel so close to. You are amazing! Thank yoU!

Rachel: I MISSED YOU TOO! I wish i could comment but my blog is being stupid. I have thought of you often, wondering how you are doing. I am up to date with your blog now. Hang in there! You are stronger than you think! Don't ever give up on the things that are important to you! Im here always! I love you so much my beautiful twin!!xoxo

Hello Blog:

Its safe to say foodwise was another day of disaster. I need to only bring the food I am allowing myself to eat, and nothing more. Leave my bank card at home... eat ONLY what i bring to eat.
Breatfast was an epic binge and purge YET again. Lunch was the same... i even walked to Tim Horton's and Dairy Queen to top it off. Purged it all out. Felt good to feel empty. I need to learn how to embrace the emptiness... I always feel the need to fill the empty then purge it out to feel empty. what a vicious cycle:S what i did eat and kept down was a bunch of fresh veggies and heaps of water. YES! I have been drinking water today. I dont honestly know how much ive kept down but im trying.

Dinner tonight at the hospital I am dreading... not so much the eating part(although thats a big part) Its the meeting with my dietican... As i mentioned before... her wanting me to do snacks at the hospital. The funny thing is, snack is usually the only food i keep down during the day... which is why ive probably been maintaing at 125 lbs and not losing. I would so much rather be in control of eating my snack than drinking 400 calories of ensure at 8 pm. No thanks!

So I was supposed to go to Finland at the end of July, but since I am now going to rehab... obviously plans have changed. M isnt a big fan of this new change in plans. He really wants to see me, so He said hes going to try come to Canada to visit me before i leave. That would be really good if he came. I really need to get some closure on the whole relationship thing. We have been skype chatting for almost 2 years and its to the point where we are going to start dating or step back and be friends only forever. But i feel like i need to see him first, and not just base my decsion off of our skype chats. Seriously its been a LONG 2 years. I hope he comes. Im seriously okay with either right now.. dating or friends... i just dont know how i feel yet.

Man, I cant wait to get out of this city... I need to get out so bad!
Sigh, today feels like its supposed to be Friday... its only Thursday.
I should get back to work!
Stay Strong ladies
xxo
Rach

Define the great line

Hello Blog.

Well I wouldnt quite say that last night was a success, but
I wouldnt call it an epic fail. I went for supper at the hospital, as per
usual (my least favorite part of the day), but i purged it. Then i went to
a movie where i ate a whole bag of movie popcorn to myself...a large one.x(
I purged it though and I got all of it out. So thats why last night wasnt good
because i couldnt control myself, but at least i got it out.
I went to see Super 8. It was so good! Im not that into alien or sci-fi movies
but i really enjoyed this one! I went with Jackie and Becky, it was good to see them
again!

Sooo I am not looking forward to tomorrow at supper. I have to meet with my dietician. I think she wants me to do snacks at the hospital. She has been trying to convince me to go back for all my meals... all 2700 calories worth. I think being there for suppers is hard enough. Even if i wanted to stay, it will make for too long of a day. I have to be at work 1 hour early, work 8 hours, then go eat at hospital and stay there all night till 9? Ugh no thank you.

So i am applying to go to a rehab centre in BC. I think going there will get the nurses and my doctor off of my back for the time being. I have so much to do... I have to start coming off my meds soon, because most of the ones that I take are narcotics and obviously they dont allow them into a rehab program. Ive been clean for a week, so my feelings are telling me that I got this under control and i dont need rehab. But its just a matter of time before I find myself back in that place: i feel like a ticking time bomb. I never know what im gonna do next.
The past couple months I really have been out of control in every area of my life. I liked using though because it helped me restrict... without it i binge all day and all night. I dont even remember what its like to do a whole day restricting and not binging on my own. It seems so simple! But its not! Anyways im rambling... moving on.

I said i would write down everything i ate today... umm how about starting now... AFTER breakfast. Didn't start out so great not gonna lie! I am amazed at how much I can eat...seriously how does that even all fit into my stomach? Aren't they supposed to be like the size of your fist? So aside from the epic binge and purge this morning.. what i DID keep down was
1 handfull of green grapes
1 cup earl grey tea.
I need to start drinking more water, im super dehydrated all the time. Its just that i have to go to the bathroom ALL the time... then add drinking lots of water to that, and a job where i need to be at my desk at all times and... ya its hard.

Anyways, Im gonna get back to work. My blog is being stupid im not able to post any comments, but i have been reading your blogs! They are inspiration!

xxo.
Rach

its easy as 1,2,3...

Its good to be back! I couldn't get on my blog for the LIFE of me! My computer wasnt letting me, it was annoying! Anyways! I feel like being on here makes me accountable. Even if no one reads this, its just helps.
Lately, my weight has been at a steady 125 lbs. Which is not horrible, but it is definately NOT where I want to be. I feel like im more like 150 lbs right now. Ugh I hate how much the mind plays tricks on you. Anyways, i really need to get back on track. I mean on one hand and least im not GAINING weight... but sitting here not quite at my goal weight feels awful.
I need to make a plan. It feels like the last 5-7 lbs are the hardest to get off and keep off. 7 more lbs is all i want. It may not seem that big of a deal but trust me, it certianly is!!
I haven't excerised in so long, that is probably WHY i cant lose the weight i want. DUH!! That and the fact I can't stop binging. Starting tomorrow, I am going to post EVERY single thing that i eat. TO help me be accounatble, and hopefully by seeing the list it will inspire me to eat less. I am working my way to a fast. Fingers crossed.
I have been clean and sober for almost a week. Part of me is dying to use...but i know all it will do is get me in bad places plus i cannot afford it. Ive done enough damage to my visa.
Im going to spend some time reading other blogs today to help me get motivated!
Stay strong lovlies!
xxo
Rachel

Who can resist distant beauty?

Hello Blog!

For once, I am not ashamed to write down what i ate so far.
This is a first in a very long time.

Breakfast: Large Coffee with a TINY bit of skim milk
(10 cal at most) and splenda.
*You know i never really liked black coffee, and now i guess im forcing myself
to enjoy it, to be a filler. As long as i have sweetner im okay.

Lunch: Diet Dr. Pepper
and went for a nice one hour walk. I get 1 hour lunch breaks
so i might as well do something with them!

Nate has seemed to be distant from me lately... hmmm. i guess ill find out soon enough whats going on. we are hanging out on saturday. OH! speaking of saturday! Im going to Vancouver to visist my sister!!! Saturday night to Tuesday night for may long weekend. I am a mix of absolutely thrilled and terrified. My sister watches me like a hawk i will not be able to get away with ONE THING aroud her. SO i am giong to have to do my best at restricting and praying that i don't gain too much weight in 3 days! At least we walk everywhere... shes all about walking all day for hours to get places. I also am a fan. I think ill manage. I really love my sis so i dont want it to ruin having fun!

Tonight im going to see Bridesmaids.. heard its funny... hope so. Oh and you know what that means dont you? Movie popcorn!!! the friend im going with ALWAYS gets it and expects me to as well....ug i want to go one day without mia and i feel like this will ruin that. well see:) ill just get yogurt instaed!

Anyways thank you to my new followers, you girls are simply beautiful and amazing!
Stay Strong!

xxo.
Rach

Its all in the way you lie

What a crazy weekend! Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into all these situations.. but apparently i do, and i somehow choose my way there. I don't even know where to start. There was so much drama on the clinic this weekend it made me want to run away and never go back. A bunch of people got busted for using drugs on the unit and got kicked out... bah. i don't even want to think about all the shit that went down... shivers...

SO, i still have no idea of how much i weigh and its driving me absolutely crazy!! The last time i checked it, I was 129 lbs... just 5 or 6 more lbs and ill be happy! Unfortunately the hospital is kind of on my back with dropping the weight. They want me to take more time off off of work to spend more time there... dream on! Im just finally getting a life again.. now they want me back there?

Things with Nate aren't going as well as id hoped. I mean i like him, hes a sweet guy, but he is very troubled. And i dont need another person in my life who is just as troubled as i am.. or at least a boyfriend who is. So now i have to break the news to him that I cant be what he wants me to be (his girl). WE just confessed our feelings for eachother at his cousins birthday party... but i really realized that if i want whats best for me it cant be him. Its funny how i can do the right thing in some areas of my life, but when it comes to areas like taking care of my body... im not as on the ball with that.

How am I doing foodwise today... lets not go there. Lets just put it this way. Its 10:30 am and ive had more calories than i need in 3 days.

Stay strong ladies
xxoRach

Taste and see...don't eat

Ah that feeling of pure empty... having been with mia for so long
sometimes i forget that feeling. I spend so much time filling the whole instead of just savoring it...

This morning. I ate nothing. I drank black coffee and thats it. Unfortunately i could not refrain from eating my whole lunch. Bah i need to just throw it out right when i get to work so i don't get tempted. I ate it all at once and purged it. But i didn't go on a drive at lunch to binge... thats a first. Just sat in the back with my diet soda playing with my sext new white iphone 4!! Ps. i just wanted to say that Davey Havok is the sexiest man alive!!! mmmm.

So this weekend. AH, my friend wants to go for dinner tonight. She obviously doesnt know im in an eating disorder program where i am forced to eat every night at the hospital. Since i have too much pride to tell her i am going to eat at the hospital, get rid of that and figure something out for my "second" dinner. Gag me... liturally.

Im going for drinks with Nate tomorrow afternoon... well see how that works out. And im supposed to go for drinks with this other guy... haah i sound like such a player.. drinks with all these guys in the same day! Im intrested in Nate! Not Austin. He's a friend. We will clear that up! Im going bowling Saturday night hopefully, and going to see Nate Spin at the afterhours club! (fingers crossed)

MY Dearest Rachel: It is so good to hear from you again. IN answer to your question. Yep. Ill be sticking around for a while. Things have been rough since Michelle died. thank you for being here. You. ARE> AMAZING!!

Crina- Perfecting My Emptiness... Your comment made my day! Thank you so much for your support! I look forward to getting to know you on your journey! Know that I will always be here for you as well supporting you in what you want and your goals!! Ps. you are so beautiful!!! I love your profile picture!!!!

I will update more later...

xxo.
Rach

...where's your head at?

Hello blog!

It has certianly been a while, I pretty ditched the thought of writing my true feelings down. But im realizing that can really only last so long! I gotta get re-used to doing this thing every day! It helps me keep connected to myself... Im starting to lose touch! Or maybe cuz i dont actually want to come face to face with what is going on in my life...

So. Ever since michelle died, i havent been the same. Its like this fog has come over me and all i see is a haze. I just don't care too much for anything thats good for me these days. Although i continue to do what i need to do, just cuz i should. One of the only things keeping me going is my amazing job! Im a recptionst for a building suddply company. Its awesome money and killer benefits!

I dont feel like being at the hospital right now: why? well first of all who LIKES being at the hospital? But really? Because I dont feel like I want to give up my eating disorder... better yet i dont know if im ready to give up being thin. I also don't feel like i belong there with all the really thin girls there... i almost feel like i want to feel like i have to deserve to be there. Right now i can live with what im donig. Breakfast and Lunch on my own during the week and do supper at the hospital. My mom comes with me so i can leave right away...

I never get to see what i weigh its driving me nuts!! The last time i checked i was not too thrilled. I feel like for how hard i've been trying, i should have lost more weight by now!! I was 58.9 kg which is 129.5 which is basically 130lbs! BAh i cant ever get past that point! I want to get to 118...120 tops! If i stay there I will be happy and they will leave me alone...

On to happier things. I have started hanging out with a guy i went to high school with.(call him nate) He works on Whyte so i've gone the past few weekends and spent the day in the store with him chatting and listing to records. (he works in a record/clothing store). It has been a long time since i've really had feeligs for anyone. You know that whole: you cant stop thinking about them when they arent around, and every one you see you think its them? Every text you are hoping it "him". Yup thats me! We are going to this cafe we went to last weekend on saturday. We had wine and talked:) it was lovely. He is also a dj..hot.. and oh did i mention so is he?

So i booked time to go to Finland this summer to see Markus. I know he is in love with me and wants to win my heart and marry me! i feel kind of bad for crushing on nate but at the same time i dont! Im not dating him and i am having fun!:) well just see where things go either way. I dont want super serious right now. I have enough of that in my life.

Tomorrow im going to NOT binge. Oh my life they are getting bigger and longer and more expensive! last cheque i spent like $500 in a week!*shudders* I really need to get to know ana again. or just give it up... hahaha.

Tomorrow I am planning on fasting with diet soda only until supper. I have to eat at the hospital...its about 800 calories ALL at once... ugh i know! but at least thats all i have to eat for the day... and most likely i wont keep it down anyways.

Well thats enough of that! I need to get back to work! Blog i promise we shall meet again! Miss you lovely ladies! Hope your doing great!

xxo
Rach

R.i.p. Michelle

Dear Blog,

Michelle hung herself....

I dont know what to say... or do. Im going to miss you with all my heart. I love you.



Rest. In. Peace.

we dont sleep when the sun goes down...

dear blog

i really need to use this time to vent some built up crap thats going on inside of me. I have had this effing eating disorder for over 5 years... at least if not more. I am so sick of going through the motions... binging and purging, restricting, exercising, losing weight, doing drugs, loving it, getting sick, going to the hospital, restoring weight, eating healhier, feeling normal, loving life, relapse.
Ok now lets do that again... of course thats just a very vague discription of this unending vicious cycle of nothinginess. The sick twisted voice inside of me is telling me i want to be sick again: that i want to be like those girls bone thin in the clinic...i hate being torn. A battle between two pretty obvious choices, but still being pulled in the opposite direction.
It isnt working anymore!! Its so much harder to lose weight than it was a year ago and i dont know why! I feel even more out of control than ever. All i want is to feel my clothes hang off of me again. Im amazed of how much my confidence and self worth is directly linked to the space between my thighs and the flatness of my tummy.
I know i sound like such a hypocrite.
But to my blog, i will be honest.
I will be 118 again.

Sincerely,
Rach

the jump

so. its been an eternity since i have visited this blog. SO much has happened.
In a nutshell.
Came home from Australia.
Mia owned me for 2 weeks.
Replased and used again.
Had an intervention.
Had almost 60 days binge & purge free.
Joined Anorexic and Bulimics Anonamyous
Replased and gave into Mia.
Went to Hawaii, and it got worse.
More Mia... Than More ANA.
NOW:
I am back at the clinic in the hospital... but this time out of
my own free will. Im moving forward no matter how many steps i take
back and no matter how much i still feel ana and mia pulling me back.
I spend all day on the unit in the hospital and i cant leave, or go
to the bathroom without a nurse. But i dont care. If that means mia
dies... THEN DIE BITCH! i HATE YOU!
Love you all girls!
Stay strong, live free and love your life!!
This addict is breaking free
xxoxo
Rachel